25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9

· by · in Parenting & Family, Teaching. ·

This post has generated a lot of buzz in the past year and I am so excited for all the traffic it has brought to my blog. I never imagined that so many people would not only read my blog, but find it and share it!

Please be kind in your replies to this post. You are totally (and I welcome!) allowed to write your honest opinion in comments, but let’s remember to be kind. Attacking me is not going to change my post or have me take it down. (trust me, I’ve gotten both demands!)

Finally, this article originally appeared in the March 2011 edition of Parents magazine. I do not own and did not create this list of manners (although I wish I had!)…I just merely posted them on my blog to share with the 5 followers I had at the time.

Please enjoy and comment if you’d like to join the discussion!

…and now to the original post:

It is amazing how many kids do not use basic manners these days…and I mean little kids all the way to big kids (ie adults!)

520 responses to “25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9”

  1. Pingback: It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Look | staceyaltamirano·

  4. I just came across this on Pinterest and it brought me to your site. I have a 9 year old boy – as well as a 7 month old daughter (big age gap I know)
    But these all are great. I think manners and politeness are sometimes forgotten in this day and age, as unfortunate as that is. Thank you for sharing this!

    Like

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  9. Just found this via Pinterest and wanted to say I love it! Thankyou so much for putting into words so many of the thoughts I’ve had. I’ll be printing this out and keeping it handy to use as talking points with my kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good list..l must admit l have been guilty of a few of these ..
      I would say , it’s fine to express an opinion , it’s not good to be rude . With food l feel a good rule is try a bit , once you have tasted it , then you can put ketchup on it if you feel it needs it
      Also , it’s OK to say no thanks , if it’s something you really don’t want to do . Try most things once is a better bet
      That’s how l know swimming , houseplants and marriage are not for me

      Like

  10. I understand what you mean, but I’m afraid I don’t quite agree! I have issues with #6 and with #21, on the basis of safety and abuse prevention. I don’t think it’s wise to teach kids that they HAVE to do things they really don’t like doing, just because an adult tells them to. There are adults out there that do not have the interests of the child at heart!

    I remember when I was a kid (I think I was about ten), one of the tutors at a weekend class I attended kept trying to touch my thighs. I didn’t understand what he was trying to do, but I didn’t like that, I felt uncomfortable. Fortunately, I had enough confidence to tell him that I didn’t like, and to tell him ‘no’ when he asked me to do other stuff with him. I had enough confidence to do this, because my parents had always taught me that I never HAD to do something that made me feel physically or morally uncomfortable. I knew that I was allowed to say ‘no’ to something that I disliked and I knew that my parents would support me. This attitude kept me safe.

    I think it’s also a moral issue, that kids should learn that they are allowed to say ‘no’ to following an instruction that goes against their conscience. I want all of my kids to have the moral fortitude to be able to be able to stand up to authority figures who preach messages of hate, fear, prejudice or violence. I want them to know that if they refuse to follow an instruction that they feel is immoral or ‘wrong,’ I will support them on their choice, no matter how inconvenient that choice is to me or to anyone else.

    In matters like this, parents need to think long and hard about what they are teaching their kids, what the potential consequences of that teaching is, and how the lessons your kids learn now are going to play out when they get older. Children who learn that they HAVE to obey authority figures like adults, may end up in danger if they come into contact with an unscrupulous adult. Also, if the kid carries these lessons over into adulthood, these kids may grow into weak-minded and overly compliant adults, who don’t feel comfortable standing up for their principles.

    In my mind, child safety and moral strength are more important than good manners, so I’m afraid I won’t be teaching rules #6 or #21 to my kids.

    P.S. with regard to the rest of the list, I agree with everything you say. Especially the bit about not being mean to people for any reason!

    P.P.S. the smarmy git who tutored at my weekend class got caught quite quickly. He’s in prison, so there’ll be no further threat to any kids from him, thank God!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Michaela for your thoughtful reply and critique! I completely agree with you also! #6 and #21 were more of a general “just listen please”-but could’ve used a caveat of “also teach your child/student to listen to their hearts and minds”. My husband and I strongly teach “personal space/body awareness/your body belongs to you and nobody should touch certain areas or at all if you don’t like it” to both our daughters.
      As the adults of this generation, it is our responsibility and duty to help foster an environment in which the young minds today will grow into strong adult minds for tomorrow.
      …and I am so happy that that tutor received consequences for his horrid behavior. I am sorry you had to experience what you did-no child should ever have to be made to feel that way-it is so sad that it happens too often. I am glad you had the courage and strength of character to say the truth so nobody else had to be harmed by him.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: 25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9 | Arachnoid Mommie·

  13. When I had my first child, EVERYONE (it seems) thought he was the most charming and polite child child on the planet. It seemed funny to me because all he was saying was the exact phrases we had taught him to say. So, I thought teaching manners was simple. In some ways I still feel that way. However, we adopted two of our children as older children. They STILL learned manners from us, but it took more time because they had a lot to unlearn. And, being that their lives have been more complicated, sometimes emotional responses override the manners they know. Then I had another biological child. People DO think he’s polite. Yet, he struggles more than my first child ever did and I think it is related to him witnessing various responses from his brothers. Anyway, I’m just throwing it out there, because while I DO think manners are extremely important, there are many families (like mine) where they could not influence behavior from birth. Our families often get judged when they seriously need a hug ( and some caffeine, and a nanny). I’m thankful for your post because it caused me to think through all of these things.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nicole, it makes me happy that my post could help you think through some things! I experienced something similar-My first daughter, now 5, is the picture of sweetness and compliance…most of the time. She still and calm. Now my second daughter, now 2, is a wild child in every sense of the word! I don’t have different expectations for them. I still expect both of them to be kind and polite, but their struggles are different and so the way I teach them and react to their struggles are different.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Quite honestly if the parent has manners like this the child will most likely have manners like this. The problem is…..most adults don’t even have these manners so how are they going to teach their children these manners.
    Good little read.
    But I didn’t see eating with mouth closed, did I? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. Pingback: Nice Manners – Don’t Pick Your Nose, Fart on Your Teacher and Say, ‘Thank You’ | Just This Crazy Life·

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  22. Ya, I’d have to agree with #6. I realize there are may parents who want there child to feel like they can share all things with them and I understand that. However there are a lot of kids of all ages (and now young adults too) who while eating food someone else has prepared or doing an activity that others are enjoying who aren’t even thinking twice about sharing their opinion in group settings about what they don’t like. In private with the parent is one thing and obviously encouraged so you know what they will enjoy or not, but when they share in any and all settings it’s uncomfortable and often rude. :-\ Everyone is entitled to their opinion regardless of their age, but everyone isn’t entitled to impose it upon anyone else.
    But maybe being gracious is lost in the general public anymore. 😐 Just a thought…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe the child just needs to be taught to politely state their preference or lack there of. To say no-one cares what they like is just rudeness on the part of the supposed adult.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. So my 6 & 8 year old have been doing ALL these for years, except #11(they don’t say their name 1st) & #24 (they use napkins, but they do not put on their laps) personally I think they should have all this by 5 at the LATEST! Plus my boys say May I please have, not just please 🙂 I started teaching my kids this as soon as they could talk, then they started cleaning their mess as soon as they could walk, #26 should be clean up after themselves at home, school, friends house.
    But I Agree that parents need to start raising their kids with manners again, respect, and good behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

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  26. A few people have expressed dislike for the #6 rule – I think it just needs clarification. Perhaps “The world is not interested in what you dislike.” is a bit over stated. We parents are interested in our children, at the appropriate time and place, expressing a well stated dislike. What we don’t want is instant whining and “pissing and moaning” about someone/something. They can do what is expected at the time (eat food they dislike, do chores they dislike, go to a boring assembly, etc.) without grumbling. LATER they can let us know that it was not their favorite activity and in the future would prefer, if at all possible, not to do it our have other options. I would find this totally agreeable!

    And yes, if YOU complain about activities, have a potty mouth, make snide comments about people or things, or in general forget YOUR manners, your child will follow suit. Its just as important for us to be the bigger person and lead by example.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. A few people have expressed dislike for the #6 rule – I think it just needs clarification. Perhaps “The world is not interested in what you dislike.” is a bit over stated. We parents are interested in our children, at the appropriate time and place, expressing a well stated dislike. What we don’t want is instant whining and “pissing and moaning” about someone/something. They can do what is expected at the time (eat food they dislike, do chores they dislike, go to a boring assembly, etc.) without grumbling. LATER they can let us know that it was not their favorite activity and in the future would prefer, if at all possible, not to do it our have other options. I would find this totally agreeable!

    And yes, if YOU complain about activities, have a potty mouth, make snide comments about people or things, or in general forget YOUR manners, your child will follow suit. Its just as important for us to be the bigger person and lead by example.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I disagree with eating food they disliked. You wouldn’t expect an adult to eat food they disliked, shouldn’t expect children to.
      I am lucky because my mum has never forced me into eating something that I disliked and I have more respect for her. She always asked me why because some foods, I simply disliked because the texture feels wrong or I feel sick eating things like spicy food.

      Liked by 1 person

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  36. I almost agree. A bit antiquated and teacher centered. I agree that children should use these manners but not just towards teachers, adults, and authority figures but also among their peers. We as adults should be examples and treat children with the same respect. I believe doing so teaches the children to be genuine in their actions and words and not just “putting on a show” for adults.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think that it would not only be interesting to hear what 9-10 year olds think about this list, but it would be beneficial for them to analyze why this list includes the “rules” it does, how they would change it, and what they think the world/their school/ their family would be like if people did follow these “rules”. Often, the best wisdom comes from the mouths of “babes”!

      Liked by 1 person

  38. This is a good guideline. The only thing missing is that it could mention “adults who you know and trust”. I have taught my kids that adults do not generally require the help of a child, so if a stranger asks for your help, it’s ok to politely say that you are unable to and walk away…fast!

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I think 3 can be done away because it is redundant in 4. 3 makes it sound like the child is unimportant. I am sorry but if i had a kid and he/she walked into the room it would be rude of me to leave them standing there until I finished talking. Children are incredibly impatient and can be easily hurt when ignored. I say as soon as they walk in the room and they need an adult say excuse me, unless it is an emergency then don’t bother just interrupt. Your child should be more important to you than a friend/ acquaintance/ boss/ family or spouse. The only one they should have to wait in the room for you to be done talking to would be their sibling.

    On 20, children respond well when they see their parents working or helping others with their work and with their parent as their immediate role model they will want to do so as well. So parents get out there and set the example. Do not expect this of your kids if you are not doing so already, otherwise i call you a hypocrite and only see you child there as a chore slave. This same thing goes for 21. Although parents please run a background check on your neighbors. The internet can easily help you with it and it is relatively cheap to do so, your child’s welfare is worth it.

    6 can also be detrimental. Children have lots of thoughts and feelings and they need to share those feelings. If a child sees something as wrong they may be right it is wrong and you should let them know it is good to dislike it. When you listen to your child you are building trust with them and they will keep that communication with you open.

    I would like to add a manner on here though: Chewing with your mouth closed.

    Also if they burp or pass gas have them say excuse me.
    As well as if they hear someone sneeze it is polite to God Bless you or Bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Re #3, I feel children can and should be taught proper social etiquette, and will not feel that they are being ignored if they stand by briefly knowing that their parent will acknowledge them and ask what they need when the parent or parent’s discourse partner has finished a sentence or story. As an adult, it is bad manners to just run up to someone who is midconversation with someone else and blurt right in, so can we not teach our children the same? I was not allowed to blurt into adult conversations, but I knew if i made my presence apparent, I would be acknowledged shortly. It’s a life skill. You don’t run into your boss’s office while he’s talking to someone else and interrupt with your business, you wait your turn.

      Liked by 1 person

  40. Amen! I know plenty of adults who don’t us these basic manners. Although do I think #6 is pretty weird. I get the general idea but it seems like bad advice to give. “The world isn’t interested in what you dislike.” I dislike poverty, disease, violence, global warming, racism, corruption, chemicals in food, rape… so should be keeping that to myself? Kids need to know that whining isn’t okay but that shouldn’t ever express their dislikes or negative opinions to adults seems a little overboard. As long as it wasn’t about something totally superficial, I want to know what my children dislike. Seems like it could be potentially confusing for little kids to understand that there are some situations where they most definitely express their “dislike” to an adult i.e. regarding their health and safety. Plus adults don’t always know best although they like to believe they do. I have seen many, many times where the child is more educated than the parent about some pretty important things but the kid isn’t allowed to say anything out of “respect”. I overheard a little girl asking her parents not to buy only junk food because she didn’t like it and she had learned in school that it wasn’t good for her. They told her to be quiet because it made absolutely no difference what type of food people ate. It seems as if a lot people in the world don’t think this, but children are people too. It’s not only adults who have valid feelings. And adults certainly don’t go around keeping their negative comments to themselves 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I totally understand why #6 sounds weird. As a teacher and mother, I am always teaching my students/daughter to advocate for themselves and causes they believe in, but in an appropriate manner. Children can and have made drastic changes in this world and it is often the passion of children that spark world changes. Children need to be heard. I think that I would’ve rephrased #6 to say something like they need to appropriately express their thoughts/ideas.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well said. I encourage my children to be polite, and that they can come to me with absolutely anything that bothers them. I feel that it helps them feel valued and secure that they have someone they can always come to.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I’m lookin at the general idea #6. Yes kids should express what they dislike. But I think the main thing is to do so politely and respectfully. And also that there is a time and place for everything. I think that #6 probably should have just been phrased a little differently.

      Liked by 1 person

  41. I think many I these points would even be good even for some of us adults to remember! Unfortunately my up and coming generation (I’m 24) and the one coming after me is either forgetting to use these type of manners or just flat out isn’t being taught them in general.

    I have no children of my own. However, working with children of all different ages over the last 7-8 years in various different settings it’s sad to see that this is not as instilled in many as it once was.

    As for number #6 I think the main point is to just make sure that when a child is expressing themselves, that they do so politely, and at the appropriate time. That’s just my perspective on that point. Can’t say I really disagree with that one.

    I think there should be a point on here when it comes to patientley waiting for your needs and wants. Technology has done a great job at helping us all to develop a “I want it now” type of mentality.

    Great post! This is a keeper!

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Im sure everyone will agree that Manners and respect are very very VERY important. If you do not agree to some information about the post, IT IS OK TO COMMENT YOUR OPINION. That is the reason for the comment box. If you cant express your opinion without using disrespectful words, then you are missing the point. I think you need to reread the post. As mentioned before, its all about how you say it. This post also mentioned “BY AGE 9”. As an adult/parent you would know when the child is ready for a specific point. Teaching a 2year old to say thank you and youre welcome is ok. So you think your 2year old would even understand you if you tried to explain #19? As the child grows, it is normal for them to start asking questions. Im sure they will ask a lot of “why mom/dad?” or “how come?”. This post does not say that YOU CANT EXPLAIN. Most of the time, its them that would give you scenarios. Those what ifs. And when that time comes, im pretty sure you will have an answer. “THIS IS PLAIN STUPID AND MORONIC”. How would you react if you hear a child say this? Moreover YOUR child? Its just simple. The things you do and say now, is it something that you would like to hear from your child now or in the future? If you dont like it, more than likely other people would too.

    MOM to an 8yo & AUNT to 7 nephews and 3 nieces.

    Liked by 1 person

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  48. Hmm. There are some strong ideas about what may be perceived correct or polite protocol some of which I interpreted as semantics and cultural norms. Please, may I, excuse me, pardon, or simply waiting are all various ways to interject. The underlying implication is that there are societal norms for interacting with others and that unless they are discussed, taught, and followed then we may be perceived unfavorably. We are, after all, higher level animals/mammals and should behave accordingly.

    Liked by 1 person

  52. My great-granddaughter (10 years) does not acknowledge my presence when I visit. She will glance at me and then go back to her activity. I find this incredibly rude. She also ignores my departure unless prompted.

    Liked by 1 person

  53. Some of these are informed by unfortunate Western cultural assumptions and practices. Not all cultures teach children to be ashamed of their bodily functions. Also, not all cultures expect their children to deal with life’s frustrations with passive aggressive smiles on the faces and masking “thank-you’s” and empty compliments. Smile, but do it genuinely. Otherwise, social interactions become a performance of keeping up appearances, while repressed angers and frustration fester into bitter, hidden resentments and hatred.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. Some of these are informed by unfortunate Western cultural assumptions and practices. Not all cultures teach children to be ashamed of their bodily functions. Also, not all cultures expect their children to deal with life’s frustrations with passive aggressive smiles on the faces and masking “thank-you’s” and empty compliments. Smile, but do it genuinely. Otherwise, social interactions become a performance of keeping up appearances, while repressed angers and frustration fester into bitter, hidden resentments and hatred.

    Like

  55. I understood number 6 as, Please don’t complain about a long car ride, or your dislike of chores, or Grandma’s tuna noodle casserole. More like, keep your negativity to yourself, or share it in private, (yes son, you’ve told us before you “hate broccoli” and “hate taking out the garbage” so now, stop telling us please) listening to a child laundry lists of annoyances and dislikes at the Thanksgiving table, or anywhere in public is unmannerly.

    Liked by 1 person

  57. So thankful for this list. I already teach most of these if not all to my kids, but its nice to know they still exist in society. This slow agonizing death of manners and the English language is killing me. I would however, simply expand on the ability to politely refuse things and also for kids to be more empathetic.

    Liked by 1 person

  58. This is amazing!!! I love it and i am thinking of printing and feaming it so my kids can read and see it all the time!! Just curious, why on earth did anyone offend u and ask u to take it down, when they should have been thanking u and aplauding u for this!!?? I havent seen anyone intrested or talking about etiquette for ages and i hatted that!! THANK U THANK U 🙂 if we all teach our kids these simple and easy rules, then we would be rasing an amazing generation that would make this world a better place 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • ABSOLUTELY what I thought when reading this!!! Too many “can you help me find my lost dog” approaches would fall into this category. As well as speaking up about dislikes!!!! I always want kids to speak up about anything that makes them uncomfortable!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  61. I asked this girl if she thought a certain blanket was ugly, and she told me that she is not allowed to say that word which I thought was adorable! Good parenting to have your kid know not to say it and actually go by that rule when the parent is not present. I doubt she’ll ever be called a bully. (;

    Liked by 1 person

    • Adorable? It’s absurd! Sometimes a blanket *is* ugly, and there’s nothing at all wrong with saying so. Ugliness doesn’t go away simply because we train kids not to use the word.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ahhh, but “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. This child had been taught that if she used the word “ugly” in reference to another person or an object that person liked or had created, that might be hurtful. The child was choosing not to say something that might be hurtful to someone else. Good job, parents!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Problem is, by saying she is not allowed to say that word, she is in fact saying she *would* say that word if allowed. Therefore, she has *still* called it ugly, but in a “passive-aggressive” way. To me, that’s worse than just coming out and saying it’s ugly.

        Liked by 1 person

      • “Ugly” is a negative insulting word. One can express their opinion less offensively, for example “it’s not my style”, or “I prefer (color) more than (other color).” People have different tastes.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Everyone wants to feel validated. If I ask for an opinion (dress shopping with a girlfriend for example) I tend to lean on their opinion. If I thought it was beautiful and my girlfriend gave her honest opinion to the contrary, I’d put it back on the rack and maybe miss out. Who knows, it may have been beautiful on me, or others may have also thought it was beautiful if I had given it a chance. If my daughter is in love with an outfit that I hate, yet it makes her feel beautiful, I don’t want to squash her by telling her I think it’s ugly, thus making her doubt herself. It’s about helping to build others by staying positive things.

        Liked by 1 person

  62. I think you can over analyze anything but I find this list to be well written, concise & written so 9 year old children can understand. These aren’t the Ten Commandments so change what you don’t like. I am with many others that find this list refreshing.I worked for over 30 years in education at various levels/teaching and administration and the one thing I found to be lacking as the years went by is manners and just being civil to others. I found this to be true of students and parents. If we could all follow this list,our world would be so pleasant. Thank you for sharing, Stacey!!

    Liked by 1 person

  63. Most of these used to be pretty common….but at some point many parents have missed the mark on teaching their kids about manners. I would add one about “chewing quietly with closed mouths when eating” to the list…and I also would say that I understand the spirit of #6 and #21, but I would have to phrase these with more clarity to make sure my kids understood the parameters of what is and isn’t okay. I’ve share the list and asked my friends to take the time to honestly ask themselves if they are teaching these things to their kids…and if not then they shouldn’t be shocked when they eventually become the recipients of their children’s bad manners.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. I don’t understand why people panties are in a bunch over number 3 and number 23. I would expect another ADULT not to interrupt, or to say excuse me if they wanted to interject. Haven’t you ever been in a conversation with someone whose kids just keep butting in and talking in their face every 5 Minutes? Soooooooo Irritating. I don’t expect my son to be seen and not heard but he also knows how to say excuse me and wait his turn.
    And number 23…. have you ever had the pleasure of eating with an adult who does not know how to use their utensils? I’m not talking about highbrow etiquette here, I’m just talking about not looking like an idiot. OF COURSE there are cultural differences everywhere…Duh. There are always exceptions to rules but in general, its more pleasant to eat with people who don’t look like they’re attacking the food with their fists. I’m pretty sure that’s the point.

    Liked by 1 person

  65. 26. Chew with your mouth closed.
    27. Don’t speak with your mouth full.
    28. Don’t ask for things when you ar at somebody’s house, wait to be offered.

    Liked by 1 person

  66. Why age 9? Because in child psychology, an individual’s character/manners are already formed or molded by the time an individual reaches the age of 9. When you teach a child proper manners, all of those manners/etiquettes becomes “automatic” when the situation is called for it. After age 9, a person needs to have self awareness in order to teach himself proper manners. Behavior modification is being applied for people beyond age 9 for re-learning of manners which usually needs “extra” awareness, acceptance, effort, time and motivation for the individual concerned and the person correcting the behavior. Age of 9 is when a individual’s “personality” has already been formed. It is most likely the “personality” of that person for the rest of his/her life unless modified.

    Liked by 1 person

  67. Some of these are true and good….some stupid and some a re very wrong and can damage a child….I hope this is just a joke blog and not a real therapist talking….

    From a REAL Therapist

    Like

  68. Here’s what I told my kids about swearing after my mother-in-law had told them that “God finds it offensive”. My kids have heard me swear and are a little concerned about my soul being damned to hell.

    “God has bigger things to worry about than whether or not you use cuss words. He probably doesn’t like it when people use his name improperly. If you say ‘Jesus’ you should be talking to him.” I told them.

    Then I said, “Other than that, there are two reasons not to swear. Some people find it offensive, like Grandma. Cuss words show disrespect to them. The other reason is that some people use cuss words because they don’t have a good vocabulary. Some people will assume you aren’t very intelligent. Cuss words can make you sound disrespectful and stupid to people who don’t know you. When I’m talking with my close personal friends, I use them sometimes because they already know I’m not stupid and I don’t disrespect them.”

    But, if you’re in your bedroom all by yourself. Let them fly. If you’re playing video games and it makes you feel better, great. If you’re singing along to a song, you can sing the cuss words or skip them. As long as you don’t shout his name, God probably won’t even notice. But, if your with other people think about whether they will find it disrespectful or whether they may think you aren’t too bright.

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  69. Why age 9? Because in child psychology, an individual’s character/manners are already formed or molded by the time an individual reaches the age of 9. When you teach a child proper manners, all of those manners/etiquettes becomes “automatic” when the situation is called for it. After age 9, a person needs to have self awareness in order to teach himself proper manners. Behavior modification is being applied for people beyond age 9 for re-learning of manners which usually needs “extra” awareness, acceptance, effort, time and motivation for the individual concerned and the person correcting the behavior.

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  70. Just to clarify, I don’t think manners are bad to teach children, and hence why I said, some of these points are great, truly, but the wording is horrendous. It’s putting adults on a pedestal and looking down on children as if they’re invalids or second class citizens.

    My sister is just about the greatest mother I know of, her kids are always super polite, kind, they have absolutely no issue sharing, they don’t interrupt people when they’re talking, they don’t swear, basically, they’re almost perfect however, when they do speak, they’re listened to, encouraged, congratulated when their view point is thoughtful and corrected when it’s false in a kind gentle manner.

    They say please when asking for something and when their mother asks of them a favor, they do it gladly, because when she asks them for something, she says please and thank you and treats them as equals to be guided, not pests to be controlled and when she’s asked a favor from them, she does it, if possible, or tells them why she won’t.

    I know how the south is raised SLG, my step-mother was southern and raised her kids in the same manner, sometimes it works out great, in the case of my step-sisters however, it was extremely poor parenting, they can hardly think for themselves, they are now acting out against that strict parenting by rebelling and doing all sorts of unsavory things whereas my brother and I are always polite, respectful, but, to everyone, not just the older generation. As for your job title, I don’t see how that’s any reflection of your rearing, as I was raised differently and I own my own company that’s rather successful, not to mention I’m far more polite than any of my southern step-family who all grew up in a small town in SC with the same set of robotizing rules as set above. I might also mention that there’s a far higher instance of child abuse in the bible belt than anywhere else in the country with the exception of Nevada.

    All in all, I wholeheartedly agree that manners should be taught to children, but talking condescendingly to a child and thinking your point will be put across is errant at best, teach with respect and love and not stick and belt, lead by example and never take the “do as I say not as I do” attitude, it doesn’t work.

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  71. To those who responded in the negative – please follow rule #6 – we really don’t care about your negative opinion anyway. It makes you sound like you are whining which is most unattractive. As far as Rule # 13 – swearing is just bad manners for anyone. When someone intelligent cusses it makes them sound ignorant. People who swear have lost their self control (for the moment) and do not have a large enough vocabulary to find another word to describe their frustration. Therefor it is hard to have respect for someone who swears.
    This is a great list. We have been working on these for a long time and now will just print it out as a good reminder.

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    • You have a lot of common misconceptions about swearing. Some of the most intelligent people, with excellent vocabularies, swear and sound intelligent while doing so. As for self-control, they aren’t hitting you, are they? Swearing can be an excellent way to *maintain* self-control.

      Also, it’s been found that those who swear may be more trustworthy…

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    • Expressing concern about something that one sees as potentially harmful to children is not whining. Thus your own comment just goes to show the potential problems behind #6. As a survivor of childhood trauma I immediately got a sick feeling upon reading #6, because it really hit home how that mindset has played into the events of my life, and the ongoing issues I am still coping with as an adult. If we are essentially to be teaching children “when something is wrong you better not complain about it” I think that is problematic, and pointing that out is perfectly acceptable. I certainly see and agree with the intentions of #6, but I don’t believe it is negative or whining to point out pitfalls that could come from training a child to think this way. Please don’t speak for everyone in saying “WE really don’t care about your negative opinion”. Some of us do care, because those insights are important. My parents might have appreciated that insight when they were raising me up to be a good polite child.

      Liked by 1 person

  72. I’m not sure why so many people are so upset. Having a well-mannered child isn’t mutually exclusive from having a child with solid self-esteem, or who’s able to make decisions for themselves, and who’s able to tell right from wrong. These are basic things your child should already be doing by the time they’re 9. We’re not talking about raising little automatons here; we’re talking about raising thoughtful, conscientious children who are aware of those around them. Kids who understand that they may not always be the most important person in the room, and that all attention doesn’t need to be focused on them all the time. And yeah, if I want him to pick up his dirty clothes without pitching a fit, I don’t see anything wrong with that, either.

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  74. Echoing Ryan’s comments. This list is not what I want to teach my children at all. Being polite is about being kind, compassionate and sharing mutual respect. This list is about power and control, obedience and being “seen and not heard.” That paradigm is dying and for a good reason, it flat out sucks. I’ll take irreverent, rowdy, thoughtful children who ask why, question authority and stick up for the little guy over the robots his type of instruction implies.

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  78. I think this is a wonderful guideline, however there are a few areas I feel I should point out need correction.

    1- All the references to how one should act around ADULTS. I think it would be best to treat them respect towards ALL people, including their peers.

    2- I think children should properly be taught how to include themselves in a conversation if they have input (instead of being taught not to interrupt unless it’s an emergency. Sometimes children have valid points as well, and including them can help teach them how to interact)

    3- Swearing. While it would be ideal for them not to swear at all, I understand that cursing is the “norm.” So, again I don’t agree that they should be taught to act differently in frot of adults. Instead I would teach them not to swear in other peoples homes, in professional settings (doctors offices, school, etc), online (where your words are forever), and around those younger than themselves.

    4- I would not teach them to always do favors when asked, or to always ask if they can help. When I was a child I would get overloaded because so many people knew I would do what I was asked to do, and I’d still offer help. Not only this, but I don’t want to raise pushovers.

    Yes, a parent’s job is to teach children manners, but we are also supposed to teach them how to be productive adults so they can thrive when they are actually adults.

    Liked by 1 person

  80. I have to agree with Ryan. Yes, children should have manners … But this list creates Stepford children. You may as well stick the woman in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant! Get real!!! Times have changed and though we can teach manners to our children, we should practice them ourselves! As for saying something negative, sometimes something negative needs to be said so that whatever it is will not be repeated! Every response should be weighed according to the situation at hand people. Think!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pretty sure #6 is referring to complaining and criticizing. This is entirely different than expressing negative feelings or constructive criticism. Nobody needs to hear people complaining or being critical. They don’t actually help anything.

      As per turning kids into “stepford children”… Are you serious? Really? And “get with the times”?? So getting with the times is foregoing basic manners that carry on into adulthood?

      Like

  81. Excellent list of manners. I have a sign in the classroom that says manners matter and they certainly do. Thanks for posting this.

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  83. These are great rules to live by, If everyone lived to be respectful to themselves and to others, society would not be so bad, Question for those who have a problem with this, would you rather bail your child out of jail or have them get a little angry because they must do what they are told to do.

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  84. I highly disapprove of “When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.” I might accept “When an adult asks you for a favor, if you choose to do it, do it without grumbling and with a smile.” But children are under no obligation to do adults any “favor” they might ask, and in fact it is dangerous for children to believe that they must do so.

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  85. This was a great set of rules although I could add a few. From a couple of negative comments I’ve seen here, it is surely true that some people should never have children.

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  86. To those who are completely offended by this, please consider the following points. First, those of us who are parents should know that our example is essential to our children learning good manners. We also know that, particularly small children see things as black or white. Therefore, the rules you give them must be stated as black or white. One Mus first learn to follow the rules before they can learn how to break them, this is something I tell my students frequently. It holds true for most things in life. As a teacher, I know that do as I do isn’t always possible without verbal instruction, practice, and correction. The same is true of teaching your children. Clear expectations, modeled as you suggest, but also stated and enforced are necessary. Basically, rules are necessary for children and they have to be stated in black or white simple terms for the child to understand them. This is a fact documented by child development experts. As a final point, as both a writer and an English teacher, I know that when writing, you have to choose an audience and write to that audience. If I had to guess, I’d say this author wrote his rules for children nine and under to read, hence the use of words adult, etc. I doubt he intended to exclude adults from following such practices. Certainly, they’re not all inclusive and when torn apart by abstract and critically thinking adults, they cam as unnecessarily restrictive; however, I encourage you to think of them the way they are written as a nine year old or younger child. (That being said, the phrasing of e favor for an adult is still problematic given the number of evil adults out there).

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  89. Seriously, the people who are claiming how these ideas will harm children’s self-esteem need to open their eyes and realize they are the problem. I grew up in the south and was taught all if these. I am a successful lawyer and a mom and my self worth is fine. There is nothing wrong with teaching manners. I no longer live in the south and I am appalled at the lack of manners I have encountered in the Midwest. Adults are just as bad. Common courtesy goes a long way.

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  90. Pingback: Terrible Tuesday: Stinky edition « Oddly Said·

  91. For Filipinos, never forsake the importance of “PAGMAMANO” or kissing the hands of your parents, aunts/ uncles and grandparents.

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  92. I, too, am a long-time teacher and now a grandmother, as well. Your list is wonderful and would go a long way in eliminating the “entitled” attitude of many children (and adults). Thank you for your publications.

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  93. Oh hey, this is great! Except, I think you should rework the title, I’m thinking “How to make your child into an exploitable robot with self esteem issues”, just a thought. Ok, see, I wasn’t going to say anything but this is just about the worst thing I have read in a long time, it actually is ruining my sleep.

    First let me say, some of these points, actually legitimately great points, but some of them, for example, #3, 6 and 21? You ARE joking right? That is just ignorance incarnate!

    I think you are all forgetting that children are not THINGS YOU OWN, they’re intelligent individuals and if you treat them like little terrors that have to be TRAINED to be worth anything, you’re just shooting yourself AND THEM in the foot!

    Let’s start with #3, shouldn’t that read, PEOPLE? As in, don’t interrupt other PEOPLE? Because surely if you expect children to not interrupt you, you should extend the same courtesy to them? It’s like you think children are little monsters to be controlled but not respected!

    They’re people, and I guarantee you, a majority of children are far more intelligent than you are. Just because someone has survived to adulthood doesn’t make them capable intelligent people worthier than any child of respect. Respect is a 2 way street.

    I have known many parents in my time and have helped raise a sister while my parents were busy and I’ve seen one constant throughout that time, a child will mirror it’s care taker. If you act rude, they’ll act rude, if you act polite, they’ll act polite. You’re not a child owner, you’re a parent, you’re there to guide the child and teach them, not force them into some mold you think is right for them.

    And do I really even need to say anything about #21? And for 13, why is this not, “Don’t use foul language, it’s rude when anyone uses it, even a child” if you don’t want your child to swear, don’t do it yourself and tell them it’s rude, you won’t have to do that much if you don’t use it yourself, they’ll learn by example.

    But hey, if you’re a horrible person, maybe you do need these rules to force your kid into submission, sure it’ll set them up for so many issues but hey, at least they’ll bow and scrape at your feet like good little children should do right? I mean, you made it to adulthood therefor you MUST be a good person worthy of respect! No adult would ever do anything to harm a child… They’re older, therefor, they’re better right?

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    • Hi Ryan,
      In your comments you assume that children and parents should be friends and that children should have the same freedom of choice adults have, based on the sole fact that children deserve respect. ?? What I think you forget is that children need an authority figure who knows more than them and who says no, when necessary.
      For this reason, in many cases, in Italy, a child is not able to acquire the status of equality with his/her parents not even when the child reaches adulthood and is economically independent from the parents. Parents are not better people, they are just more experienced and know the world more than children can possibly do. As a result, children should not be given the same amount of freedom and authority an adult is given, for as long as the child lives under their roof and eats their food. I will say more. Children should not be treated like princes and princesses. On the contrary, their parents and teachers should remind them that, as we used to say in Italy, children are the last wheels of the carriage.

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      • This must be when Italian men have the reputation of being mama’s boys who Kiev at home until they can find a woman who will cater to their every whim like mommy has done their entire lives. The pervasiveness of this cultural phenomena is well documented.

        I would like my son to learn how to do things for himself, respect women as his equals, and move out of my house before turning 25 and not just because he’s found a mommy replacement to marry. So you will excuse me if I don’t follow the Italian way.

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  94. I think the number 1 should be Never ever call an adult by their first name unless it’s proceeded by a title like Uncle or Aunt. This younger generation ( and their parents ) were never taught this.

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    • See, as an uncle myself, I never particularly *wanted* to be called Uncle Jerry. I was never asked about *my* preference by my control-freak brother-in-law, he just demanded that the kids do it. I don’t find it a mark of respect, since the kids are *forced* to do it. Doing something under threat of punishment isn’t respect for anything but the force of the threat.

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  95. As someone mentioned here cultures vary and I feel like most of them are things I do, but for some reason this list makes me a little angry.
    I feel some of these seem little child-negative and it goes back to having a child who is ‘seen and not heard’; to having ‘the perfect child’. I’ve seen way too many parents try to go there and it puts undue stress on kids.
    Yes, there are boundaries, but it depends on the cultural settings and occasions and too often parents see these lists and don’t have a discussion with their children about each thing and WHY. If there’s a valid reason behind it, then sure. But if an adult can’t even explain why something should or should not be done then the rule should be re-evaluated and unfortunately in the age of ‘sit-down-and-let-the-TV-babysit-you’, parents don’t talk about these with their children.
    What about kids who have a difficult time learning etiquette (or what our society deems appropriate in general) due to learning disabilities or people from other cultures with different rules? People find it rude when someone deviates from ‘our norm’ and I feel that a tolerance discussion should also be a part of this! Don’t just tell your kid not to make comments about someone’s body or to say negative things with friends but around grown-ups (after all, if your child was saying bad things about something you feel strongly, about, wouldn’t you want to know?), instead, talk to them and keep and open dialogue.
    Somebody also made the point about kids who have been traumatized and (from what I took of it), that it did put adults before kids in certain areas.
    Telling kids to keep thoughts to themselves shuts down dialogue and hurts EVERYBODY involved.
    So, my request for everyone:
    Can someone please make another list for adult etiquette towards children?
    Cheers, Kat

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  96. I love this! I do not have children so my opinion on raising them is often met with distain or blatantly ignored. But I live in this society and have to interact with other peoples children on a daily basis. I am shocked at how basic manners have gone right out the widow. I don’t understand it and I think it’s sad.

    Why in the world would anyone want you to take it down?

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  97. I love your list. The rule I’d like to add to the list is calling adults Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. What happened to that level of respect? Kids in our suburban community are encouraged to call their friends’ parents by first names! What!? It drives me bananas. Of course, my children are the oddballs who call grow ups by their last names.

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    • Robyn, my children are over or approaching 30 and are still expected to address our close friends Mr and Mrs. Should that couple not now address my children with adult titles? Meanwhile they use first names for all other adult peers, friends, family etc. It’s ridiculous! In society now even most ‘bosses’ are addressed by first names. You may want to plan a transition from this archaic protocol as they get older. One of my daughters went to a school where teachers were on first name terms. HUGE respect was given to these wonderful educators. The list is complete and excellent and some readers need to view it from the perspective of, say, a school/ classroom environment, if that level of empathy is indeed possible, to fully appreciate!

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  98. Sorry I posted twice. I didn’t get my password in right on my first try and I thought it went to the great bit bucket in the sky.

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  99. I work with abused and traumatized children, and people who have been molested. Unfortunately, a high number of children fit this category, so my only concern with this list is that I want kids to be SAFE and not just DO THINGS for adults because adults ask them to. Not all adults have the best interest of the child, and healthy child development, in mind. I like to teach kids to “listen to your gut” and ask for help if you feel weird about what an adult is asking you to do.

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    • Basing their manners on God isn’t going to work well if (like a large percentage of American youth) they end up not believing in God. Better to base their manner (as well as morals) on real human interactions.

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      • On the other hand, there are millions of people who do believe in God, and even if they don’t, recognizing the 2:1 ratio isn’t dependent on belief. Also, if the children learn early to listen more than speak, this won’t change even if their understanding of God does. What’s learned in childhood — good or bad — doesn’t easily change.

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  102. Number 20 is wonderful – I am going to print this and post it next to the house rules. My little one is only 4 but I have been working on manners with her since she learned to talk. Thank you for the new ideas and the reminders of the ones that I may have forgotten!! 🙂

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    • That’s cute, and I like it…but it’s also interesting how cultures differ. When I was in Japan, it was polite to make noise with your soup b/c it showed you were enjoying it!

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  104. I shared this list with all of my middle school classes today, after fist-bumping every single student as they entered the room for the first time this new year. My voice is trying to recover after speaking all day, but I am excited to start 2014 in a positive way!

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  105. Came to this because a friend shared it on her Facebook feed. Many of these things are unassailable (but why age *9*?), but a few of them are problematic.

    #6 – Well, people generally aren’t interested in what bugs us, sure, but some things that bug us could be very important. Also there’s a hint of an assault on voicing negative things in general, and that’s not healthy. We have to engage with negative things as well as positive things, and merely not voicing the negative things doesn’t make them go away.

    #13 – on swearing – it just plain isn’t true (“grown-ups find them boring or unpleasant”), or at least not generally true, like the wording suggests. A great many adults swear among themselves all the time. And the unpleasantness in the ears of a grown-up at hearing a kid say a word when hearing it from an adult wouldn’t make them flinch… well, I’m tempted to say it’s the grown-up’s damn problem!

    #21 – do the favor without grumbling. Well, shouldn’t it depend on the favor? While we’re at it, we shouldn’t ask, “Could you do me a favor?” because the answer should depend on the favor – instead ask, say, “Could you do xyz for me?”

    #23 – What’s so good about Emily Post’s way, or anyone else’s way, to use utensils? The proper way to use a tool is the way that gets what you need from the tool without causing undue wear and tear on it.

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  106. Came to this because a friend shared it on her Facebook feed. Many of these things are unassailable (but why age *9*?), but a few of them are problematic.

    #6 – Well, people generally aren’t interested in what bugs us, sure, but some things that bug us could be very important. Also there’s a hint of an assault on voicing negative things in general, and that’s not healthy. We have to engage with negative things as well as positive things, and merely not voicing the negative things doesn’t make them go away.

    #13 – on swearing – it just plain isn’t true (“grown-ups find them boring or unpleasant”), or at least not generally true, like the wording suggests. A great many adults swear among themselves all the time. And the unpleasantness in the ears of a grown-up at hearing a kid say a word when hearing it from an adult wouldn’t make them flinch… well, I’m tempted to say it’s the grown-up’s damn problem!

    #21 – do the favor without grumbling. Well, shouldn’t it depend on the favor. While we’re at it, we shouldn’t ask, “Could you do me a favor?” because the answer should depend on the favor – instead ask, say, “Could you do xyz for me?”

    #23 – What’s so good about Emily Post’s way, or anyone else’s way, to use utensils? The proper way to use a tool is the way that gets what you need from the tool without causing undue wear and tear on it.

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    • My girls are 7 and 10 in 3 weeks.
      I agree. I saw number 6 and thought, “wow, we tell our girls to tell us everything and we can discuss it.”
      number 13, swearing. I do swear and I always apologize to my girls and tell them it is a nasty habit, but sometimes it slips out. I do tell them I don’t want them to say bad words, but if it slips say sorry and move on.
      number 20. I always tell them, If someone asks you to do something you can always say no. I would hope you would do what you could to help somebody, but it is not an order. Only Mom, Dad and a few select people can tell my child to do anything without asking. Such as clean your room or pick up your dirty clothes….

      My girls are mostly polite. They say please and thank you 99% of the time. My 7 year old was on a slide at a waterpark and there was a young child in front of her. Well the little one stayed at the bottom and my daughter was waiting at the top patiently. A child behind her bumped her accidentally and she started down the slide. She grabbed the side to keep from going down and hitting the little one. She couldn’t hold on and slid down and into the child. My daughter sttod up and said she was sorry immediately. The mother actually had the nerve to yell at my daughter. I was livid. When I said to her to please not yell at my child when she did nothing wrong the mom says to me “your brat knew she was wrong, she apologized” My reply was that unlike her my daughter had manners and even though it was an accident she knew she hit the child so did the right thing and said she was sorry!!! I was proud of my little girl and told her so in front of this nasty mother. Her child was fine and didn’t even flinch at being bumped from behind.

      Liked by 1 person

    • At the risk of break rule #15…Are you kidding me with your response to rule #23? I mean, come on now. I actually laughed when I read that. Since you seem intelligent enough to over-analyze these “rules,” I’m highly confident that you use utensils properly and not just to “get what you need from a tool.”

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      • Here’s one more to the list – Thank the cook, clear your own plate. I learned that from my son who learned it from his youth church group leader.

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    • I totally agree about voicing dislikes. There’s nothing wrong in politely voicing your opinion- even if it’s “negative.” Holding in these feelings does not make them go away and dealing with them is healthy. Society these days is taught that if you have anything other than purely positive things to say, you should stuff them in and keep quiet. Again- NOT healthy.

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  108. Pingback: The Underrated Adjective: Polite | Kreighativity·

  109. Stacey, thanks for the list. It can apply from 5 to 75. After that, you can use the “old age” mulligan card.

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  113. Love this list of manners. This is something I’m teaching my 8yr old son and definitely should be taught is school. My thoughts in # 6 – it’s always nice to say something positive, instead of negative. You’ll have enough time to voice your opinion, but when you’re young, there’s no filter, they just how they feel. As for # 21, I find that this usually applies to family, where kids usually grumbles when you ask them to do something.

    Thanks for sharing this.

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  116. I have a great niece who needs even more basic manners. She is rude to her grandmother ,(my sister) , she tells lies, is a pro at sneaking things after being told no and has been seen blowing spit wads at the table in a restaurant . If it weren’t for bad manners she would have no manners at all. Worst of all she is not being called out on these things by either her father or her grandmother.

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  117. i would like to add to 9 when arriving at a friends house make sure to say hello to their mother and father and grandparents.

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  119. This list is going on our refrigerator! I would say that, for the most part, my children (ages 12 and 10) comply with these, but it can’t hurt to have a reminder posted in the house.

    I thought the discussion in the comments of “sir” and “ma’am” was an interesting insight into the cultures of the various regions of our country. I’m from Texas, and it is common to here those terms here. Also, on the “Mr./Ms. [First Name]” form of address, I used that when my children were younger because it was easier for them to say “Mr. Doug” or “Ms. Jenny” than to wrap their mouths around some surnames that were more difficult to say. Now that they are older, however, we have switched to “Mr./Mrs. [Last Name]” for adults who are not family members.

    Liked by 1 person

  120. By reading the comments above, I think it is obvious that the only place where “Ma’am” and “Sir” are not considered polite is the Northeast. We live in the Midwest and it is polite to say Ma’am and Sir here. Of course, people in the Midwest are polite, and we all know that the liberal Northeast is not exactly known for its etiquette. So please don’t lump us from the Midwest with their version of “the North.” I have also lived in Texas, and find that the manners there are much like those I learned growing up in the Midwest.

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    • Treating others with kindliness and respect is the key issue. Using “Sir” and “Ma’am ” and Mr. and Mrs. is the norm in many areas of the country, but not all. However, it is not true that we in the Northeast have no manners, nor kindliness, nor respect or consideration for others. I generally find that my own manners and consideration make the difference in interaction with the people around me. I do have the impression this applies to people all over the world, never mind the different sections of our country. And I prefer not to make negative comments about other types of people, eg. people from “that” area of the country in a forum in which you know they will read it; this is a rather poor level of kindliness and respect. All the “Ma’am”s and “Sir”s in the world does not make that live up to the standard by which one should treat other people.
      Making such comments in a forum in which you know we will NOT read it is less bad, although not exactly admirable.

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  121. Some additional suggestions for the failures of manners in the face of technological gadgets (screens of any kind, really) seem necessary. And of course these apply equally to adults as they do children: A) If you are alone and wrapped up in a game, text chat, email, video, movie, etc — and a new person (especially if a family member) enters the room, quickly put down your device (or turn the TV/computer off), and then say Hello to that person (or to those people), and if possible or appropriate, engage in conversation. B) Do not play with gadgets any time you feel bored or anxious. Being bored is OK: you don’t need to fill every waking moment with distractions, computer games, shows, and so on. If you do, you will never actually have thoughts of your own, and your brain will turn to jelly. C) Never use a gaming device, smart phone, or other such tool at the table. Even if Mommy and Daddy are stuck on theirs. If they are, tell them they are being rude. Brief exceptions (e.g. answering an important text) may be tolerated, but should be kept to a minimum.

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  122. These should be called 25 Things PARENTS Should Teach Their Children. I don’t agree with #21. In a world where adults exploit and sexually abuse children, they should not think they should say yes to everything asked of them by an adult.

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  123. Manners should be taught when children are young. We ourselves need to have the manners or acquire social skills before we can teach our children to act well.
    All 24 rules are important for young and old. The sad part is when children become adults, they think they can change their status of addressing an older generation without manners and respect.

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  124. For #6 and #21 the issue is how children are taught about sexual predators and personal boundaries. From toddlerhood children need to be taught the names of their private parts and told, “It is okay for me(parent) to help you wash your private parts, but when you can do it yourself,it won’t be okay anymore, cause private parts are private.” Our doctor during exams would say to my children, “it is okay for me to look and touch because I am a doctor AND your parent is here.” Children should be taught that they should ask permission form parents before complying with another adult’s request (stranger in park asking for help to find a lost puppy is a common ploy) Most adults are good people, but there are a few predators who cause harm to children.

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  125. I have issues with number three. While it’s nice not to be interrupted, kids especially ADD ones have trouble remembering a question long enough to get through an adult conversation. I’ve heard that children who are allowed to politely interrupt end up with a higher IQ because their questions get answered in a timely manner. Our children were always allowed to interrupt us and it wasn’t a privilege they abused.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Children can often find answers to their questions in their own. There isn’t always going to be an adult around to ask, so self discovery is a good thing. Plus, a child interrupting to ask questions constantly is ripped, no matter how “politely” they interrupt. If they don’t remember the question king enough to ask it, it wasn’t really important enough to being with!

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  126. I have a problem with the “no one cares about your opinions” and “always do a favor for any adult and smile about it”. I agree that no one wants to hear “Debbie Downer”, but teaching kids to shut up and take it is also not acceptable. We need to teach our kids to state opinions and and ask for what they need in a healthy way. And “always comply with the wishes of any adult” is a great way to raise kids who become victimized by adults. BUT- EVERYONE needs a refresher course in manners and social skills, IMO.

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  127. There is something rather obnoxious about this list. I guess it’s because the list should really be targeted for parents- although it seems to be written in a “10 Commandments” kind of way, intended to be read by children. If you as a parent follow this list (or your own, better list) your children will learn from you. Number 21 is actually bizarre: asking your son or daughter to help bring in the family groceries is not asking for a favor. Asking them to fetch your coffee, and to do so with a smile is just weird. And to imply that children, especially young children, should do “favors” for “adults” is reckless. If you want someone to fetch your slippers get a dog. When adults throughout the world start treating each other with respect and dignity the children will do the same. Until then, stop blaming the kids.

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    • I find it surprising (don’t know why) that an adult (assuming Rick is) would think the 10 commandments are only to be read by children. Thou shalt not steal or kill? I certainly hope my young children are not committing adultery. Not to toss the obnoxious word around, but????

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  128. After reading these to my 5yr old he suggested an extra one, “never interrupt an adult when they’re talking on the phone”. Good job buddy!

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  129. Just as the use of manners for children is important, it is also important that we do not abandon manners as adults. Referring to others using such language as “morons” and “get a clue” is a breakdown in manners, most especially when addressing people directly, or describing them in a public forum. It is ironic that these outbreaks come in a discussion of the importance of respect. Teaching good manners is partly what we tell children to do, but even more important is the example we set. This is so even when we are talking to, or about, people with whom we disagree. This is hard to live up to sometimes, but important.

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    • Daisy, I 100% agree with you! Someone very close to me calls people idiots and morons to their faces and I just can’t stand it. It got to the point where I don’t do errands with them anymore.

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      • There are times when I have to take a deep breath, and taking an example from my foreign teacher, say: ” I request you not to use that language around me. It is rude.” “Request” takes a bit of the sting out of it, but you make it clear that you REALLY mean it.

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  130. I have reservations about a couple of them (for example, #29 is potentially very dangerous, and there should be caveats attached to that).
    I also really hate being called “ma’am” — although not quite as much as being called “madam.” For some reason “sir” doesn’t have the same negative connotations. I’ve managed to get through most of my life (and I’m 60 now) without having to call too many people “Ma’am” — although I’ve sometimes wished there was a title for women that didn’t have the negative slant of “ma’am.” I find that addressing people directly, while looking them in the eye if possible, works really well most of the time, so no title/label is actually necessary.
    As for “Miss” and “Mrs” — well that’s another distinction I believe is unnecessary. The generic “Ms” is okay as an alternative, but I would really love it if all the Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms titles would all disappear. I am who I am, and my gender should be irrelevant — especially when dealing with mailings or orders where gender truly is insignificant.

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      • Absolutely! “Hey you!” is never polite. However, I have never had a problem getting someone’s attention with a simple “Excuse me.” There hasn’t been anyone who didn’t recognize I was talking to them unless their attention was fixed on someone/something else, and even then a slightly louder “Excuse me” almost always got their attention. Very very rarely have I ever had to use a “Ma’am” — and i can’t even remember the circumstances.

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  132. As an elementary teacher, I LOVE this list! As far as expressing likes and dislikes, I believe the problem is, there are just some things that regardless of whether the child likes it or not, they have to do it, so expressing their dislike does no good! Keep in mind, the guy that wrote this is an educator so he’s writing from that perspective, and as an educator, every time I assign something, I don’t want to hear how much the student dislikes it! I realize they may not love it. I cannot always plan something that every child is going to love, but what I assign has meaning, so the bottom line is, like it or not, they have to do it. Now, I do try to feel out how kids feel about an activity. If the majority of them hated it, then I’ll likely not repeat that. But I guarantee that in the real world, when the kids grow up and get a job, if they are constantly telling their boss what they dislike about their job, and what he asks them to do, they will not keep the job very long.

    As for the favor thing, I agree there is somewhat of a line, but I have had years as a teacher when I ask my students to run to the office for me, or take something to another teacher and they whine and complain and grumble and it’s rude! I was taught that when a grown up asks you to do something, within reason of course, you do it! You don’t talk back, you don’t say no, you don’t whine. You just do it. Because again, in the work force, when my boss asks me to do something, I can’t whine and complain and say I don’t want to.

    Lastly, there should be a difference between the way kids treat adults and the way they treat other kids! Don’t get me wrong, they shouldn’t be rude to anyone, but a certain amount of “age-sim” should apply! I speak differently to my mother and grandmother than I do to my friends or peers my same age, and that’s as it should be. It’s called respect, not ageism. Just like I don’t allow my students to call me “dude” but I have no problem with them calling their peers that. I’m not a peer. I’m not their homie. I’m their teacher and a certain amount of respect is required because of that!

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  133. As a teacher of young children for 40 years, I would suggest that you add two more rules of etiquette:

    1. Do not speak with food in your mouth.
    2. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

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    • Bless you Alan, those are two basic expectations in our home! I must say, I am rather surprised at many of the comments. #6 is pretty clear – if it’s important it is ok to interrupt! While teaching my children manners, I also try to teach them to think. There are always exceptions, and knowing how to be safe does not preclude being polite!

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  134. I have to say that my 4 yr old granddaughter does just about everything on that list. She doesn’t answer the phone. But I will teach her about that. She even got her out of control cousin to use manners by coping her.

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  135. I had 2 blaring opinions when reading this piece. The tone of “don’t use foul language in front of adults; they find it boring and distasteful” may sound a bit peremptory and rude when hearing it spoken in your own head–but it is precisely the way you should talk to a child. When you tell them something shouldn’t be done they need to be told why. Furthermore: “I don’t like it” just doesn’t cut it.

    As for “when adults ask you for a favor…”, it may be polite to do so without grumbling, but I wonder if we should leave it at that. While it is appropriate to get something for someone when you are younger and faster than they are or have less full hands than they do–especially a parent, I generally balk at the idea of just having random adults think my children are their personal gophers…

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    • If *you* not liking it doesn’t cut it as an explanation, what makes you think that lying about what *all* adults dislike is either moral or effective. Kids mostly find out about foul language *from adults*. It’s quite obvious to them that many adults don’t find it distasteful, and lying to them is the quickest way to lose their respect.

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      • I have my own rule with “foul language” My kids can’t say anything that would be impolite for the youngest person in ear shot to say, or when other adults are around. So when my 15 year old says his homework is stupid, if a 3 year old is around, my 15 year old is in trouble. I find it rude for a 3 year old to say things are stupid. At the same time, if he has friends over and they talk like typical 15 year olds do, I don’t have a problem with it. I think it teaches him to have a filter.

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      • I pretty much agree with this and with the other response to this comment. When I talk to my children about ways they’re talking that I don’t like (sometimes including but not necessarily foul language), I say that they can talk like that with their friends, but that I don’t like it and to please don’t use it around me. I agree that it teaches them to “have a filter” and also to understand about differing contexts.

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  136. Wonderful list. I raised my kids to know all of these as I was raised. I can’t imagine why anyone would remark negatively on your blog or request it removed. Good for you.

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  137. This is a good list overall. Knowing good manners helps kids get along in the world better and have more confidence. I do disagree with #6. I am actually interested in my children’s dislikes. I have, however, taught them there is an appropriate way and time, i.e., “I don’t care for broccoli,” in a polite tone, versus a whined, “broccoli, ewww!”

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  138. There should be nothing controversial about this list. whether a child calls you by his or her first name, whether an adult does too, it comes down to mutual respect for one another. There is formal and informal; there’s right and wrong too. So let your conscience be you guide here.

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  139. I grew up in Northeastern Ohio. When we addressed adults when I was a child (in the 60s/70s), we said “hello, or good morning/afternoon, etc. Mr. and/or Mrs. [insert last name here]”

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  140. Love the list ! And being from the north it IS acceptable top use Ma’am and Sir if there is a significant age difference , child to adult, or adult to elderly person. The Southerns I met ma’am and sir everyone , with minor age differences.

    I personally dislike when children call me by my given name, it’s insulting to me. I’ll take Ms . and my first name but not JUST my first name. Mrs. or Mr.is the ONLY appropriate way to refer to an adult. Even with my parents’ friends I don’t use first names , even as an adult myself I find it disrespectful . Only if they insist I use their first name will I , but I’ll be VERY uncomfortable with it.

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  141. All of these are fundamentally sound, and some of them have very important exceptions. Maureen mentioned the most glaringly important exception. There are times when waiting instead of interrupting is NOT appropriate. The Prime Directive for Parents (and other people around children) should be to find out whether there’s a real problem before dismissing what a child says or does. If you miss the signs that a child is being victimized, or the evidence that the child is developing mental health problems, or dismiss some behavior as “being rude” when the child desperately needs actual help, you are not doing your job as a parent and you are putting your child in harm’s way. Manners are important, but physical and emotional safety of children is REALLY important.

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  142. Thank you for taking the time to post this-again 🙂 There is so much to learn in life. Once a child ‘nails’ their manners, they find themselves performing with manners. And using them without question around their peers and other adults. I take great pride in my kids and husband when a stranger tells us that our children are so polite. That’s a compliment that makes everyone feel good! I think this is a list teachers should pass out to their students/families at the beginning of the year….that could be interesting.

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  143. Forget ma’am and/or sir. I really wish this whole modern thing of calling adults by their first name would stop. What happened to Mr & Mrs!?!??! I am 35 yrs old and still call my friend’s parents, my parents nextdoor neighbors, etc Mr & Mrs. I make sure my kids do the whole Mr & Mrs thing, but sadly, I think I’m one of the only ones.

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    • I had to laugh when I read your post. I still refer to my old neighbour as Mrs Surname, despite her insisting for 20 years to call her by her first name. Old habits die hard. My two best schoolfriends still call my father Mr Surname which makes him giggle every time. He would prefer they call him by his first name, but they can’t adjust to it after calling him that for 30 years. Interestingly, all our collective children refer to adults by their first name. I couldn’t imagine kids, and particularly good friends’ kids, calling me Ms Surname. Relationships have become more informal than what they were in years gone by.

      I don’t rate someone’s respect for me by them referring to me with a title, but how they speak with me. The only exception might be if someone else (younger than 60) insists on being call Mr/ Mrs So-and-So – then they can return the favour.

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    • I greatly dislike being called by anything but my first name. I’m not a Mrs, even though I am married. I didn’t take my husband’s name and I don’t like having a title that defines me by my marital status (my husband’s title doesn’t define him that way). I have a short last name and combined with Ms. it sounds curt. I have a PhD but I am not a professor so I don’t feel comfortable with Dr. When my children’s friends call me Mrs. Husbands-Last-Name, I don’t get bent out of shape about it. If I see the kid often enough I will kindly ask them to please call me Firstname and let their parents know I said it was ok and that is what I prefer. What really gets my goat is when parents insist their child call me Mrs. Husbands-Last-Name even though they know I specifically (and kindly) ask them not to.

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  144. As many others, the only one I find objectionable is number 6 – it is unhealthy for kids to hold in negative feelings. Imagine an adult doing that? Not humanly possible, so we shouldn’t enforce it on our kids. Not sure why this is controversial, either – it is just plain manners in my opinion!

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  145. I have to also disagree with 6 and 21, and to some extent, 7. Children ask innocent questions about others who are different than them, that are not “compliments” per say, but an effort to learn about things they do not understand. A child who is in a wheelchair might prefer others just ask, rather than treating her like she is invisible. I cannot impress how important it is that kids are allowed to say how they really feel around adults, as long as they are being honest and not rude. Even though they are “little people” not yet fully grown, it is imperative for their sense of self to be able to say what they like and what they don’t, to be able to choose what they want to participate in and what they don’t, or adults take on the role of dictator instead of educator.

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  146. Wow… it’s difficult to believe this list is controversial. I would extend (3) to “when two people of any age are speaking” and (18) is probably not good, even in private.

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  147. Pingback: 25 manners a child should know by age 9 and my thoughts….. | Motherhood: Praying and Learning·

  148. Primarily, this is a great list. I will edit it before I share it with my kids. The wording is age-ist. I do not like the way the list separates adults– children should use the rules with all ages, not just adults, and adults should do the same. No one should interrupt anyone, etc. I also agree the rules that encourage children to keep secrets from adults or not be forthcoming with adults are dangerous.

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    • I agree 100%, you said it exactly. Ageism always makes me very uncomfortable. It is very dangerous. Children are not slaves or pets, they are people with voices that deserve to be heard as much as adults do.

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  149. These were standards in our house growing up.

    Saying what they don’t like – obviously if there’s something wrong going on, they should say something. It’s all in context.

    I can’t tell you how many times mom said,” If you don’t have anything nice to say just keep it shut.”

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  150. Noel you made me laugh. I have had the same problem. Too much time in public school learning from others in my opinion.

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  151. This is going to become a very big part of the Values programme in my classroom. My 5 – 7 year olds will know thiese by the time they leave my care. Absolutely love it, thank you for posting it.

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  152. You can never over do on manners. Yes I wanted my children to feel they can tell me good and bad things and I feel the same about my grandchildren. I was squashed down by my mother when I “needed” to talk as a teenager. Being easily intimidated and taught not to talk back to my peers after 2 or 3 attempts I shut down. When I did express myself I was told It wasn’t true , I was making things up. Please teach your child its ok to tell all in an appropriate time and place.

    Manners are what make us appreciated , trusted and remembered. Manners take us a long way in seeking jobs and building relationships. Much easier to teach children good manners then adults. I recall my elementary school years in an 8 grade classroom and manners and proper etiquette taught in the junior high school years being of interest to me in grade 3 listening in on the higher grades. Home is the best place to learn your manners but to be reinerated in school helps to set them forever.

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  153. I totally agree with this list except that my problem is that my children were taught these things and when they became teenagers I had to reteach them again. It’s like they forgot everything they learned when they were younger.

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  154. I like the whole list. Sad to hear that there are morons out there that think it should be taken down…….they would be in the group “Part of the Problem”.
    #6 and #12
    Obviously, rules are not without exceptions and you have to teach kids, and some adults, that there are appropriate times to express your dissatisfaction with things or to refuse to do everything that is asked of you. I see the intention here as what to do almost all of the time, season it with some common sense (available in isle 9 of your local Wal-Mart) and this is a good list.
    There should be a test 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hear what you are saying, I just wonder if those who really NEED the list have the common sense to teach these ‘exceptions’! Personally, I think a child can express their dislikes, the rule to learn is the WAY to express themselves. This is in fact a HUGE life skill, one many adults haven’t learned!

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    • If you agree that the list could have exceptions then you don’t actually agree with the WHOLE list. And you just called yourself a moron and part of the problem.

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      • No Donna, it means there are variations to rules depending on the situation. Life is not a cut and dry scenario. “Good touch/bad touch” teaching is very important, but this is a self protection skill, not a manner, and I would hope the majority of this thread knows the crucial difference. That you fired off a opinion generalizing without using diplomacy (another skill sorely needed, but seldom grasped) is in itself bad manners.

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  155. I agree that #6 & #21 should be revised. My mom followed these rules, and because of that, I did not feel safe telling her I was being sexually abused when I was 9 years old. I tried to tell her, ‘I don’t like being around Mr. So-and-so.” Mom told me that he was a nice man and that I should learn to like him. I never had the courage to speak up again and endured 3 more years of abuse. The abuser took advantage of my subordinate “good manners” and ruined my childhood.

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    • Maureen, I am so sad to hear this. I’ve had relatives who were in your same situation. I take my responsibility as a parent and teacher to listen to my children/students when they voice any concern. I didn’t take my daughter back to a babysitter when she was 2 because she had such a negative reaction to them and I didn’t want to take any chances that something abusive was going on.

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  156. Pingback: Manners Post For Vicki Bott | the pheeweemc times·

  157. I agree with all but 6 and 21, 6. Kids have a right to say what they dislike. In fact it is very important that they KNOW they can say and report what they don’t like.
    21. Kids need to know what favors are ok to agree with!! Grownups are NOT always right! I think these two rules are potentially very dangerous to kids.

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    • I’m in agreement with Jen. There is a big difference between being a “negative Nancy” and stating that you do not like a handful of items. Additionally, children might not know how to explain that an item gives them a potentially hazardous reaction (itchy lips, swollen tongue) in any other term except that they don’t like it.

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      • I think that the adult should then ask why , and if it is one of the things you mentioned , or similar, hen that would be noted as an exception. Social mores are learned , and from all the North , South differences, regional as well. If you communicate WHEN it is accepted to break one of these rules then they will know in future situations .

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      • My take on this is when visiting a friends house and you are served a meal and say “I don’t like this” is over the top rude! If my kid’s friends didn’t know any better they were never invited back for a meal.

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    • I agree that children have a right to say what they don’t like. I also think that they need to know the appropriate way to express this. They need to know how to express these dislikes appropriately, not rudely, and not in a hurtful fashion. So many times it’s not what’s said, it’s HOW it’s said. There are also times to remember that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all.

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      • I agree — I think it’s fine to say “no, thank you” or not to eat everything on your plate, but a flat-out “I don’t like that!” is definitely not polite in any way, and I talk to my 3 children often about this. If your child has an allergy, they can find a way to talk about it politely by age 9 😉 That’s another thing to remember about this list — it’s intended for older children; we don’t expect all of these from a 3 or 4 year old.

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    • Thank you for saying that about #’s 6 and 21. I totally agree. Some adults do care what kids think. We want to know and those are dangerous “rules”. Anyone who treats kids that way should NOT BE ALLOWED around children.
      I have a problem with # 3 to some extent as well. I agree children or anyone should not be. rude but if my kids just stood there I would not notice that they wanted something. The few times they have just stood there quitely and I asked the what they wanted , they didn’t want anything they just wanted to be with me. That happens to parents when they don’t treat children they way this article would have you do.

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    • There’s a big difference between expressing discomfort: ie. I don’t like being around that man, I don’t like the way these clothes make me feel (the kind to be encouraged) and the constant, whiny announcement of personal opinion, the type that polite adults don’t do, either. ie.: I hate Lima beans, I don’t like that movie you’re putting on for me, I don’t like this gift you gave me, etc. To me it’s clear what the list is referring to, but I have a lifelong working knowledge as a childcare professional. I do see how these rules could be taken dangerously wrongly. Anything that degrades children to second class citizenship, as a rule of thumb, is wrong. If it would be acceptable for an adult to opine, it is acceptable for a child. We are all humans.

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    • I agree with you Jen, about #6 and #21. It’s sad that we have to think of all the predators out there when #21 comes around. 😦
      And for the record, I have always encouraged my kids to voice their opinions, positive and negative, it is all in the delivery.
      If you don’t tell someone that you don’t like peas (I can’t stand them myself!) then they will continue to make them when you come to dinner. My rule on that was that if you could handle the “whatever” then deal with it, but if you were asked, be honest. Yes, supper was very good, I’m sorry I didn’t finish my peas I just have never learned to like them and my mom doesn’t make me eat them.
      Also, my kids are adults now and I have always gotten compliments on their manners. It drove them crazy when they were younger, but now they understand why I was so strict on the issue.

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    • Agree with Jen. Just because someone is an adult does not give them the right to be rude to a child and disrupt what the child is doing to preform the favor. Also nothing is said in any of the 25 things how a child is to say “NO”. A child has the same rights as an adult. Respect is not taught it is caught by the child as he sees it acted out. Be respectful to a child and he will so learn to respect you. Also with so much child abuse children need to learn they are the only ones who control their bodies and how to respectfully tell an adult to back off even when the adult meant no harm.

      Stacy it would help if you wrote 25 manners adults need when dealing with children.

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    • There is a time and place for kids to state their dislikes….this is another skill they need to learn called “tact”. It’s one thing to state they don’t like a particular x-box game…it’s quite another to sit at a dinner table with a puss on their face and state they hate half of the food a relative/host has gone through trouble to prepare. They should know to leave on their plates what they dislike without vocalizing it and why…it hurts other’s feelings…ooh! compassion, what a concept!

      I will also bark here about the prevalent trend of children entering a friend’s home and either completely ignoring the parent(s) or addressing them by first name. The first is inexcusable and “Hi, Mrs. Smith” is the minimum acceptable.

      A young adult (or any age) without these kinds of skills whom hopes to make something of themselves is at a severe disadvantage. There is a distinction between “knowing” manners, and deploying them consistently and automatically; and that cluelessness is noticed immediately by the majority of individuals whom could assist them up the ladder in life both career-wise and socially. Those skills come from a childhood of both CONSISTANT example and reinforcement by the parent. A good grasp of proper manners is viewed as the hallmark of an intelligent, educated and well-rounded individual. I have witnessed first-hand adults who “blew it” at a chance for jobs, promotions, networking and doors opening in general due to lack of rudimentary skills. I had over 2 dozen children at my door last Halloween. Only 3 said “thank you” without being prompted. The various parents of the majority stood at the curb with their eyes down. To them I say “stop the lazy parenting and get with it”…no one is going to prompt your kids when they’re at a job interview or business function!

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  158. I work in an environment with a number of young adults (18-30, mostly males) I am amazed at their lack of manners, respect and work ethic. I’m not sure if they are rising to the level of expectation we as parents, society or employers have placed on them or if we have failed them completely by not teaching and expecting more of them. I know this is geared toward a younger set but as the “Mom” to this wonderful, yet clueless bridge to our future, please know I will be sharing this with them both as a group and individually for those that need extra help.

    I am not afraid to lean into the future and attempt to repair what was not taught or what was forgotten during their formative years. Can I save the world with this one little project, probably not but if I can make one future marriage, family or work environment a little softer, healthier or successful then it will all be worth it.

    Thanks for reminding us that it’s important to teach these to our children but we can share it and teach it post childhood…..it’s not too late for ANY of us!

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    • Robin, thank you for being a courageous and brave soul. Your work is so important! You may never see the direct results of your hard work just like the farmer that plants the seed sometimes is not the one to harvest them. Don’t tire and keep forging ahead!

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    • I work in a rec center that has 18 – 20 somethings as “coaches” for the 7 – 15 year olds. The coaches should have these rules given out for them to practice in order to mentor the kids. The manners displayed by our young adults is atrocious. I honestly believe they are a product of the “time-out” generation.

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  160. Pingback: Manners | Lefty's Picture of the Week·

  161. Great List! I would push each one down, however, and make #1 “Always reply to an adult using ma’am and sir”. We were fortunate to have our children grow up in a military environment where “sir” and “ma’am” were standard in conversation.

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    • However this is more of a regional or situational point of etiquette. I’ve found that saying “ma’am” in the north is taken an insult.

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      • My husband is from the Tennessee and he was raised to always address adults as ma’am and sir, however, when he moved up to Ohio he was criticized for calling women ma’am. Women in the north don’t want to be made to feel old.

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      • Yes, in the north many people take the term “ma’am” as having age connotations, so calling someone “ma’am” can sometimes be taken by the recipient as saying “you look old”.

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      • I am from Canada, and there are very few times when I would use Ma’am or Sir, ie: if I am trying to get the attention of someone and don’t know their name, and that person is the same age range or older than me, or, if I am saying thank you to someone older than me and I don’t know their name. Store clerks often use Ma’am or Sir to address their customers and when I was younger this really bothered me. That age thing you know.. lol… Ma’am should be reserved for a woman who is or has been married and has had children, and usually for elderly women, otherwise it should be Miss if one wishes to err on the side of caution..lol. Now that I am in my mid-forties though, I realize that people who don’t know me wouldn’t be able to discern this and they are just trying to be polite or respectful.
        Otherwise the use of Ma’am or Sir in my professional life is rather frowned upon, seen as an insult if used while speaking to people whose names you know, even if that person is one whom you wish to show respect to. Using their name, first name, is fine if in conversation with them, or Dr., Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss and their surname if referring to them in their absence. This is really situational and dependent upon whom you are speaking to and the formality of the moment.

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      • Oh No, Ma’am is a terrible thing to say. At least not in the North. We hear Ma’am and either think “F*ck YOU; I’ll give you Ma’am!,” or “Oh.. an uneducated hillbilly!”

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      • I agree. I am from New England and calling someone Ma’am will get you glares and dirty looks. We moved to the south and here it is common and polite. When I visit home I get dirty looks as do my kids. That said, I still think ma’am and sir are polite.

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      • Yes in California some people would look at you strangely because many do take it as calling them old. Just like some people think “miss” can be patronizing…

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      • We moved from south Alabama to suburban Philadelphia when I was about to start 6th grade – and was immediate given detention by my math teacher for calling his “sir” – he thought I was being a smart-aleck!

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      • In my area, it’s not so much a connotation of age, but that Miss is unmarried, and ma’am is married. If you don’t see a ring, you don’t say ma’am.

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      • I’m from WI and I absolutely love it when I hear people address me as m’am. I have raised my daughter to address people the same way.

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    • I amfrom New York, now living in Maryland. It’s funny, but many of my friends are so insulted when someone calls them “ma’am”. I guess it makes them feel old? My husband was in the military and I quickly became acustomed to being called “ma’am”. I also still have the habit to call all men and women I meet “sir” and “ma’am”

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    • Interesting…as a northern implant to Mississippi, this is one of the things I like least about living here. I feel “sir” and “ma’am” are unnecessarily cold and formal, creating a subservient tone in an adult/child relationship that I dislike, though I certainly respect those who were raised here and feel differently. I also find the “Miss/Mr First Name” habit with adults of regular aqcuaitance incredibly cloying. I will not be raising my children to address people as such, even if I do continue to live here. It makes me sad to think that my children and I will be judged for this. Though I find these things irritating personally, I know I am a fish out of water and respect that people see it differently here…wish the favor would be reciprocated.

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      • If you are living in a place that holds respect in high priority, you should comply. That would be like an American going to Asia and NOT using the honorifics to address people. If you call a Japanese person, for instance, by their first name only, it is extremely rude and overstepping your boundaries. If you have any respect for people, you’ll learn to speak and act respectfully while here. Saying “Ms./Mr. First Name (or Last Name)” is not being subservient, it is showing respect! I still call my ex-dance teacher “Ms. Ginnie” because I respect her a great deal – an I’m 39 years old. Showing respect to an adult – or anyone whom you feel respect for – is honorable and polite. It has nothing to do with adult-to-child, but human to human and being respectful. Get a clue!

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      • I agree with you, Mandy. I think it is cold and dividing. I met an elderly woman from Mississippi and she kept calling me mam even though I am 40 years younger than her. It made me feel like she felt beneath me.

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    • I love your suggestion but have to agree with a lot of the other commentators that in the north (I am in Pa) that ma’am or sir is definitely more to imply that someone is older. I hate when the store clerk says have a good day ma’am because I feel old….

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    • You give bad advice, I actually don’t let my kids use ma’am or sir, why you ask? My husband was raised to use them all the time, you know what he gets… yelled at, by every women he has ever referred to as ma’am and we live in a State that considers themself southern, went to NC to visit my family he gets yelled at more often. Times have changed no one wants to be called ma’am they relate it to being called old. Most of this list is dumb if you have to spell out manners to parents the kids are never going to learn them.Best way to teach kids manners, use them yourself all the time. Both of my kids first phrases were ‘thank you’. These things are instilled not taught.

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      • I think it’s a bit extreme to say it’s bad advice! I think we all add our personal experiences and specific regional cultures to anything like this and take what is good and leave the other things…there’s no need to see it as a rigid prescription.

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      • You’re not the only one – I remember the first time someone called me ma’am (grocery clerk) I did feel super old (about 40) but then similarly, I was called Miss and had a great day! Yet, in every Western I’ve ever seen, women young and old were called ma’am by the handsome cowboy who tipped his hat. None of those women seemed to mind! 😉

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  163. These 25 rules of etiquette seem right on to me. As well as it applies to children, some adults could be reminded to “mind their manners too!” In my opinion, it is matter of civility and carrying out the “Goldem Rule!”

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  164. I had a difficult time reading these. The printing was so tiny. Perhaps there was a way I could have enlarged them but do not know that way. Now, I am ashamed to say that my son has beautiful girls, but they have not learned to be respectful towards their parents or towards many other adults, thinking we are all on equal terms with each other. As a result I find many visits with them trying. It isn’t just me, as other family members feel the same. The youngest is especially disruptive, most especially when her parents are present, so I know there is a family dynamic going on that I have no control over. I struggle with it at every visit and have felt guilty when I worry about having to deal with them when they are here. I have met children who have been taught boundaries and they are so much easier to love. I love my son and his girls, but many times do not like being with them as a family. Very stressful and frustrating to watch. We know schools have to deal with children and family dynamics that make teaching difficult. It has always been so, but now with the social fabric breaking down and with the restraints being placed on educators, schools do not teach the fine art of getting along with others like they used to do. Social skills have broken down and most people spend more time with their cell phones and I-pads using social media while trying to carry on visits with other adults and family members. My 92 year old mother asked if my daughter-in-law ever put down her cell phone! The answer is…no. It is truly sad, and rude and thoughtless children become unhappy adults, as the world doesn’t tolerate them as their families try to do.

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    • It is true, that teaching has become harder because of the lack of social skills many of our students. This is all the more reason to have expert teachers in the classroom who are willing to do double duty and teach social skills in addition to their content…trust me I’m one of them! It’s definitely difficult, but possible 🙂

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  165. Remember to always send thank you notes to those who have bothered to go out of their way to send you a gift,whether it is money or a present.

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  167. Right on!! I would add one social skill to this list. When an adult, or anyone for that matter, addressed you… ANSWER THEM!!! I am a school bus driver of high schoolers. Each morning and evening I address each child with “good morning” and “have a great evening/weekend”. It astounds me that the majority walk on by without a reply, a smile of acknowledgement, a grunt… NOTHING! I have even discussed this with a friend of mine (a parent of one of these kids) who defended the poor manners with “well, you know, they’re tired and just going through the motions of heading out to school.” I replied “well, one day their boss won’t really care how tired they are.” I have begun reaching my arm across the aisle, forcing eye contact and saying loudly with a smile “I SAID good morning!” At least I get a response now. I talked to the kids one morning recently and told them how it offended me, and how rude their behavior was whether they realized it or not. I explained that one day their success may depend on good social skills, and I told them to think of greeting me as admission fee for riding my bus.

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    • I’ve seen this in action too, where kids act as if the school bus driver is invisible. On a recent field trip, I said hi and thank you to our school bus driver and he seemed surprise that I even talked to him…it made me sad 😦

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  168. #26 Never lick your knife and put it back in the butter dish. Also the serving spoons should never be licked and re-entered into a serving dish. (This too goes for adults who set examples)

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  169. Amen. I teach a pre cotillion program and teach many of these same values to pre k’s thru 9 year olds. So important in their lives and ours 🙂

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  170. I am a teacher, and this is so true. So many children without manners and I am constantly reminding them how to respect others. It takes more than just parents to help a child develop manners! I think it is the responsibility of any adult who is in contact to help, because there are many situations when parents aren’t around that are good teachable moments. But remember, it doesn’t do any good to get mad at the child- they are just learning!

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  171. I have not read through the entire list, so I apologize if this has been stated already, but to the list of manners I have an addition. When addressing adults (non related), use Mr., Mrs., Ms., etc. It is polite and shows respect.

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  172. So none of you have kids then and hence like the personality free little people that you imagine they should be. Also bit worried about all the random obedience leaves them open for exploitation while still acting with the required manners Also there are an awful lot of the self satisfied in the responders. With this level of respect and obedience who will take on the terrible problems of our time nice respectful kids will respond respectfully and obediently when addressed as adults by the big evil corporations that wreck and destroy our environment just what the owners want.
    Afraid I will go with the folks with the difficult kids who question everything and are not inclined to blindly follow.

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  173. I’m not sure if this was said already (didn’t read all the comments) but I think the 26th rule is missing: when a child walks into a room already occupied by others, a quick greeting or salutation to those present in the room already shows good manners. When I was younger, if I walked into a room where my mom and grandma were already in there without saying “good morning” or good afternoon I NEVER heard the end of it. It was important to my family. As a kid, I thought it annoying. As an adult, I realize it’s simply polite to acknowledge the presence of those around you. I don’t see this happening much anymore. We should change that.

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  176. An excellent list… especially in this day and age of the”entitled child”. I’ve had Children in my home learn the difficult “rule” of “house rules”… to the point where one wasn’t allowed back until he learned to be kind. When children are allowed to say what they want, with no consequences, they become bullies or just plain rude! To have parents who don’t know how to say no is a huge frustration for me, as those kids expect the same thing from me. Needless to say, that doesn’t happen. Children, and many adults, need to learn that basic civility go a very long way. “Please” and “thank you” should be used much more than “I want…., I need…, or “But its mine….”. THANK YOU for posting this list. I only hope people will see the heart behind it..

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  177. This is ridiculous and I pray that fellow teachers are not cruel enough to put it up in their classroom. Am I disputing children need rules or they should have certain respectful attributes by certain ages? Absolutely not!
    But read this list… This is selfish on how you want to be treated… it has nothing to do with the compulsiveness of children (Yes even at age 9) nor allows room for respecting children.
    Children are lead by example… and we first need to be able to follow such rules ourselves before we can ask our kin. Yes my 5 year old son does about half of these no problem, but it’s not because I am ‘uninterested in his dislikes’… I am actually very interested in my children’s dislikes and the only way they learn to respect me is to understand mine. (on a side note: if I ever saw a poster in my son’s classroom that said ‘adults are uninterested in your dislikes so keep them to yourself’, I would already know just how poor of a teacher and human that person is.)
    Later in this post it goes on to say ‘if an adult asks you to do something, do it and don’t grumble’… do you do the same to others? Hell, even I grumble every now and again doing something for both my children and my husband…. I do it, and we usually laugh afterwards, but children should know how to express their feelings, and you are asking them to suppress them. Yes, as an adult we should know how to handle our feelings and I could probably do things with less grumbling, but I would never expect my children to suppress occasional, ‘oh man… do I have to?’.
    I think it is a great idea to teach children respect, rules and politeness… but this is selfishly written to someone thinking of themselves as a ‘higher’ and more important person than any child… which let me tell you, you are not. We are all equal in this life and your ‘respect me because I am bigger’ thinking is completely out of line. You can’t teach children respect without respecting them, instead you teach them fear, fear of the consequence that might take place, which they will only hold to others younger than them and there the story circles in this big pile of fake ‘respect’ but in reality it is a hierarchy or socialism.

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    • I agree, this post suggests an intrinsic hierarchy of value, where kids insights are seen as irrelevant, annoying side-notes, marginal and un-important, while the adults are having the “really” important conversations right? While we are engaging in the pleasant niceties of adult conversation (conversations which can last for hours without actually saying anything at all) sometimes the “irrelevant” comment of a child can challenge our conversations to greater depth, question our priorities in life, and provide us with the valuable insight of an “outsider” to the cultural behaviors that we practice routinely without giving it a second thought.

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  178. I think there are quite a few manners that are missing from this list, but, golly, I love it. I am currently trying to teach my five year old a good 75% of these, and the other 25% she already knows. A+.

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  179. I didn’t see a Pin It button. Are you on Pinterest? So that I can pin this article. It is so much easier to keep handy.

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  180. I love this list. I have been in classrooms and have hosted many children at my house, I can always tell when a child has been raised in a house where the parent has taught them “to say what they think”, without carefully guiding them toward kindness and thinking of others first and I have observed that behavior in the parent. I don’t enjoy being around rude and demanding children… of course they are all welcome in my home, but I am less inclined to invite them for extended stays when they regularly blurt “I don’t like that” in reference to a food or are grabby or impatient. Our culture has become ridiculously child-centered, and we have created a generation of self-absorbed and entitled little people who will have a difficult time transitioning to adult-hood and a workforce who doesn’t think they are special or amazing, and really doesn’t care what they think. 🙂 Obviously the best thing we can do for our children is love them unconditionally and teach them repetitively how to treat others with kindness and respect.

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  181. This is a great list and I am probably echoing other comments here when I say that children learn their behavior by watching their parents. Friends, siblings and other adults can have an impact but nothing like watching parents day after day. If you do not embody these traits your children never will.

    I work with a lot of children and I love every single one of them. I know many of their parents and almost without exception I can see the beliefs and behavior of the parents reflected in their children. Whether they are quiet and respectful, outgoing and a little boisterous, or sarcastic and cynical, children display in public what they learn in the home. Obviously there is room for individual personality and age level and such, but there is a clear link back to what the parents do.

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  182. I especially like #12 – thank you notes have become a thing of the past and they shouldn’t be. There’s Private Messages and E-mail, both of which I will accept. What I hate is that I give a $25 gift card to my grandchild for birthday or Christmas or whatever and don’t even know if they get it. Thank you notes are important – but again, that must be taught by parents.

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  184. Great list. I go against the grain and expect my children to communicate their dislike as I value their opinions and I truly believe that if I expect a well communicated and thoughtful response even when they dislike something, from the age of 2, then by the time they are adults they will have it down pat. I just hope I am doing the right thing by them 😕

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  185. I think people are just over reacting and over thinking it. Yes some of the points could be worded better. But its the main point that they’re trying to get out and its up to you how you take it in. Another comment below said #6 and #21 are dangerous together for sexual reasons. Really?! I think that is just a person with a sick mind. Take the list and change it so it works for you and your family. Don’t sit there and criticize it because in your head you’ve made it into something negative.

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    • This is just rude, i’m surprised this wasn’t moderated. Perhaps you’re not cautious enough with your children…

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      • An excellent list… especially in this day and age of the”entitled child”. I’ve had Children in my home learn the difficult “rule” of “house rules”… to the point where one wasn’t allowed back until he learned to be kind. When children are allowed to say what they want, with no consequences, they become bullies or just plain rude! To have parents who don’t know how to say no is a huge frustration for me, as those kids expect the same thing from me. Needless to say, that doesn’t happen. Children, and many adults, need to learn that basic civility go a very long way. “Please” and “thank you” should be used much more than “I want…., I need…, or “But its mine….”. THANK YOU for posting this list. I only hope people will see the heart behind it..

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    • Some things we taught our children in the olden days as manners, were used by predators to help get their way and keep the kids quiet. Open communication and a weary eye with regard to our children should always be encouraged, never discouraged. It is quite hurtful to many of us that you would say we have sick minds because we worry about what could happen to our kids. I’m happy for you that abuse must have never been something you have had to deal with, but a lot of us weren’t so fortunate.

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    • As a child, I found myself in a situation where I was targeted by a child predator. If I hadn’t had the courage to complain and refuse him, or if I hadn’t been allowed to openly express my dislike of him to my parents, things might have gotten seriously out of hand.

      I object to #6 and #21 based on my personal experience with a sexual predator. I do not have a ‘sick mind’ (as you so eloquently phrase it) and I find it incredibly offensive that you would suggest it.

      I pray that no child in your care ever finds themselves in the same situation as me. A child with such an unsupportive carer would find themselves in a very vulnerable position.

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      • I am sorry that I offended you. I looked over my comment to see if there was a typo because I do not think you have a sick mind. I could not find where I said that. Please point it out to me and I will address it right away.

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  186. This is a good list. I know so many extremely smart kids that lack simple manners. I hope my kids will follow each of these.
    One more I would add, that I always say I will teach my kids, is to obey the rules of the house you are visiting. If you are a guest in someone else’s home you follow the rules of that house. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that is done in your own house or not. Thanks again for the list!

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  187. My daughter in law has done an excellent job in communicating these skills to our grandson. Many people have remarked on his manners and the both make us proud. Thank you for posting.

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  188. People have a problem with everything. Children should not be in the company of non trustworthy adults to make this list dangerous to adhere to. Perhaps that should be on a separate list for parents.

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    • The man who tried to touch me inappropriately was a close and trusted friend of my mother. He was also a respected tutor at the weekend classes that my family had attended for years.

      This kind of story is very common:the vast majority of abused children are abused by relatives, neighbours, teachers/tutors, parents’ friends or parents of friends.

      Predators deliberately target the children of people who trust them, because they (correctly) assume that this will make it easier to evade suspicion.

      Stranger danger is a joke. You should teach your children to be wary of ALL unusual/unpleasant behavoiur from EVERY adult they meet.

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      • I agree that stranger danger is ineffective. Holstein should be taught to be wary of all behavior that makes them uncomfortable from anyone, no matter how close, and they should be taught and given a safe space to speak up about it. I agree 100%!

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  189. agree totally! I’m happy I found this now that my girls are 5 and 6. I was brought up with these and I intend to teach them to my girls! We’ve been praticing some already! Too bad that my daughter’s cousin don’t practice almost all of them! I hope it doesn’t reflect on my girls!

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  190. many of these can be summed up in what I remind my kids – To be AWARE of life around you! Then, you will naturally mind your manners and be courteous to others. Great reminders!

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  191. Some adults need to learn all of these….lol….I would amend #6 to express your opinion in a constructive manner though….. I always want to encourage my kids to have conversations with me 🙂

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  192. Excellent list. I would add a few and alter a few, but it stands on its own as is. I have 3 sets of grandchildren, and I am flabbergasted by how two sets never — and I do mean NEVER — say please, thank you, or excuse me. And how they whine and complain about the pettiest things. Out of the 3 sets of kids (with the 3rd doing ALL on this list), who do you think will be the most successful in life?? (They already are.)

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  193. Thank you for the list! I enjoyed reading the feedback.

    I teach etiquette to high school students. When I’m in a restaurant, I see adults pushing food onto a fork with their thumb, which is also poor manners! Using a knife to push food onto the fork is appropriate.

    How about when asked to RSVP; responding to an invitation? I am surprised at how many people do not respond to invitations. I am also surprised at those who do accept the invitation, then for whatever reason they don’t show up! When an event is planned, it’s a lot of work! We were limited to 50 guests for my husband’s 50th surprise birthday party many years ago. It was held in a private room at a nice restaurant at the cost of $60 per person. Of course, I had to pay for the eleven “no shows”. I excluded our little grand children to give our adult children an evening out without their children and of course to invite my husband’s adult friends. It was a lesson learned! I’ll never exclude our grand children again! They are the most adored people in our lives.

    What about those who are younger extending their hand for a handshake to someone older? I learned years ago that the older person or person in authority (for example, a professor to student) should extend the hand first. Any thoughts on this one? Many thanks!

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  195. #16 Is a MUST for anyone. sitting in a performance and chatting (about anything but especially) about how it;s boring or how you don’t like it rude to those around you. Teaching a child that it’s ok to dusturb others during a performance will end up getting folks angry – possibly that kid and their adult kicked out when folks complain. No it’s not ok just because the kid is a kid.
    #6 I am ify about – no you don’t have to like everything ( no one does ) but there is a way to be polite about it. And people of all ages need to realize that host’s don’t have to provide something else because a guest does not like what’s on offer. You’re in someone’s home – not a fast food diner. Same with entertainment.
    I wholeheartedly agree with not interrupting. I don’t care who it is, someone who interrupts is low on my totem pole for anything. If some does this, I back off the friendship, if a parent lets their kid do this, I back off the friendship with the parent.
    Doubly so for kids who are allowed to tell me ( or others) to “shut up” or put hands over mouths to gag someone.

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  197. This is a good list. I especially like #14 and #21. With so much social media these days, it is too easy for people to send things and have it misunderstood. Some things can never be taken back once said.

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  198. Love the list…But would add to #9 that when a kid plays at another home that they always clean up their messes! My kids hate always having to pick up after their friends leave. I always tell them to do so if they are somewhere else!

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  199. I mostly agree, tho 6, 16 and 21 might need some re-wording or clarification.

    Children should express their opinion even if it happens to be a negative one, but they should be taught to consider HOW they express that opinion. Not to complain/whine in the negative meaning of the word (mainly for no 6) and to not express negative opinions in a way that can be hurtful (mainly for 16) and of course to accept that sometimes you have to do things you might not like, and sometimes the appropriate thing do for instance when invited to dinner is to eat those things you don’t like anyway (or atleast try) and you are not always allowed to do the things you do like.

    As for 21 that needs to be tempered with reason, a child should not always have to interrupt whatever they are doing and play errand-boy to all and any adults.
    And if they don’t want to do the “favor” they should say so (in an appropriate way as mentioned before), ofc as also mentioned before that won’t always mean they don’t need to do what they are asked (like random chores and such), but they should be taught to express their opinions both positive and negative in a respectful manner.

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  200. This is a very good list of basics and children as young as 1-year old are able to begin to understand #1 and #2. As they grow and gain understanding the remainder of these simple rules can easily be well ingrained by age 9. I agree with others who have commented about teaching children the proper time and appropriate way to express their opinions and to not fear doing so. I would add that they should also be considerate when listening to someone else’s opinion, give them time to speak and express themselves without interjecting your own thoughts. Also, I would add that “you’re welcome” is the appropriate response to being thanked. And, if this list is reprinted, in rule #11, please change “can I” to “may I please” when asking to speak to the person you are calling. Correct grammar goes hand-in-hand with proper etiquette.

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  201. I think that overall kids should be respectful to everyone around them regardless of there discomfort. I agree don’t lie’ but commenting negatively about things they should be grateful that they have. Sometimes I/we as adults let our children have too much control. We are the parents and we should be raising them appropriately to be positive contributing adults in our community. One day we may have to depend on the very children we are raising so make sure they learn to treat others the way they would like to be treated.
    I also think that among teaching manners to them we must also make time to listen to them, spend time with them, learn what they like. If we lose this communication and openness with our kids we lose them to others that may lead them astray. I love my children, listen to them, spend time with them as their parent. I am not their friend (in the sense of the word)I am their parent! Some want to badly to be their friend/cool.

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  202. I was cared to read the list… Was sure my kids would fall short… But to my surprise, they do most of them! There a few that need a little work, but relieved to know that I’m a 1/2 way decent parent… 🙂

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  203. Teaching children not to say what they don’t like (#6) and to do a favour for an adult without grumbling (#21) are a very dangerous combination and contribute to children being abused – especially sexually. Those shouldn’t be blanket statements. Manners are important, but so is honest communication.

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    • Agree with that. I know this list is well intented but that’s bad combo under the hands of bad people. Pretending enjoy something without enjoying is samething with lying. It differs than being respectful. And if an adult will ask a favor they need to say please and be ok with not matched with a help if it is indeed a favor as well not to give an unquestionable order.

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      • Pretending to enjoy something is what we call “a little white lie.” If your mother-in-law serves something for dinner that you don’t enjoy, do you make a face and spit it out on your plate? Or do you smile and take one more bite, then thank her for the “interesting meal”? If you attend your child’s school function and the lead actor repeatedly forgets her lines, do you announce to the entire auditorium that she “stinks as an actress”? Or do you grin and bear it because she’s a kid and doing the best she can? What if your husband drags you to a movie he really enjoys but you think is awful? Yes, the honest thing to do is tell him you thought the movie was awful, but the *kind* thing to do is tell him you’re glad he enjoyed it, right?

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    • Agreed, was thinking the same myself. Not to mention some of the other communication ones have some left over “children should be seen and not heard” feel to them.

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    • we often forget common since. if a child is taught this they should be confident enough to know that being asked to do something that is wrong they can respond by saying no and telling their parents. we underestimate our children.

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      • I totally agree, children have the right to respectfully decline to do something and should have been given the confidence to do so. They are not little slaves and have just as many rights as adults.

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    • Safety is separate from manners. It is an entirely different topic and adults and children should know the difference. Children should be taught how to keep themselves safe and what to do if something happens that makes them uncomfortable.

      However this list is about manners and is spot on. I work with a LOT of children and dearly love every one. But the ones that have good manners always seem to be ahead of their peers.

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    • I would hope most parents are smart enough to teach their children the difference between people being naughty with them and their relatives/friends.(though relatives can be naughty too). It’s called discernment. Yes, it’s OK to yell and scream if a stranger tries to harass you. But you don’t act the same way with uncle Lou just because he has bad breath.

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    • I was thinking the exact thing! Children who are taught that they can’t say “no” to adults are far more likely to be abused so the doing a favour for an adult cheerfully thing sent up all kinds of red flags for me.

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  206. Pingback: 25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9 | Adoption in the Real World·

  207. Brilliant…they are now being posted to our fridge.We require these of our children, but this is a nice neat list for them to remember.

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  208. Thank you for this list, I as a mother sometimes forget how important these are. My mother taught me all these and when I met my birth family they have often commented on how wonderfully my parents raised me, because of my manners. I hope that when my son grows up, people can say the same about me.

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  209. Good list, adults need to model this though, to kids, to each partner, to strangers etc & pick up on the behavior, each & every time, when they do it-praise the good & guide the bad. Can’t tell u, how many kids have come to my house without manners & I always give them a chance & then, might slip in a “thank you Sheya” or “may I please”, just to try & reinforce it! 😉 Don’t agree with only 1 of these-that parents don’t want to hear negative things, I do. When the other post asks them
    To tell how they are. They won’t always b happy. No one is & they’re as entitled to those feelings & down days, as they are, experiencing and commenting on the happy moments!

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    • I would have to say that that those who dislike the “don’t say negative things around adult” post have missed the point. What I dislike strongly is when I do something for a (or my) child, and they say something ungrateful, like they don’t like it. Who cares if you don’t like it! When someone gives you a gift/does you a favor/does something on your behalf, you be grateful that someone thought of you. That works well for adult, as well. Grumble if you want; but you won’t get anything else from me!

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  210. Overall, I think this list is a great idea. It hits on some very important points that many children are lacking. They then grow up to be adults that don’t teach their children. While I understand the basic thought behind #6, the wording is what is making it difficult to accept (for me and probably for many of the others that take exception to it). It doesn’t say that kids can’t complain, it says that kids can’t complain to an adult or near an adult where that adult could over hear. Rather, we should teach our kids that it is OK to express our opinions, but there is a time and a place. And we should teach our kids how to express negative opinions politely, no matter if they are speaking to an adult or a peer. Same can be said about “pretending to like” a performance. They should be taught to sit quietly and show proper respect, but not to pretend to like something they don’t. As my very literal child would point out, that is a lie. Thank you for making the effort to put this together and share your thoughts. I hope many find it useful.

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  211. Good manners are intended to help people feel comfortable around us, by demonstrating respect for others and ourselves. While they may differ from culture to culture, the intent is the same–and usually appreciated–when cultures mix. Those who think that good manners are too restrictive miss the point, entirely. This is a great starting list for everyone to follow; good manners are not just for children–they are for everyone. To those who worry about children not expressing themselves freely (RE #6 and #16), there is a correct time and place for sharing opinions. Unless a student is asked, that time is not in the middle of class. “Pretending to be interested” during an assembly is more than good manners, it is good advice: often, you may find something of interest, merely because you were paying attention. Same thing holds true in class. Sadly, as manners are lost by our society we have a much greater % of individuals who feel disconnected, uncomfortable around others. Sometimes this is because they don’t know how to behave but often its because we no longer make the effort to help others feel comfortable around us.

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  212. Rules are best remembered when principles are instilled first. Better yet, rules may be unnecessary when principles are established. Being polite is a principle that covers most of these mannerly rules. Children do need help with some of the details like using a napkin, but if they don’t understand the principle, to them its just a stupid rule.
    Stated more distinctly, politeness is a strategy, rules like ‘thank you’ are tactics.

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  213. I have a daughter in law that i am having trouble teaching manners. I told her to say please when she want something The saying “please” get me this or “please” get me that did not work either coz she is asking stuff that she can do herself like getting water. I am giving up on her. I think she is just simply LAZY.

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  214. How refreshing! I have often remarked to my own children about the stunning lack of common courtesy and just plain old good manners…When you say “Thank you, have a nice day” to the cashier who so carefully rang up your purchase ,and she looks surprised? We have reached a new low as a society…We should greet the person who bags our groceries with the same respect we would someone that is considered a professional..I.e…Your physician , maybe a Police officer or a teacher…We should afford each other the compassion I have seen time and again when people come together to rescue and animal in distress..But we do not approach another human being with equal selflessness, but rather veiled suspicion so we are not “taken advantage of”…We would be so much better off as a society if we simply followed one rule…The Golden rule….Treat others as you would like to be treated…And it is so easy to smile at someone. Have you ever just smiled at a stranger ,and felt that warm feeling inside when they returned your smile with enthusiasm and delight? I have…and it makes my day. If you haven’t you are truly missing out on something,because when you smile you feel good..And spreading good feelings is also just good manners….

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  215. I am a middle school teacher and I love this list. I live respectfully and practice my manners with my students. Unfortunately, my students do not see it at home and I can only hope that the one hour I model and hold them accountable each day may help. Hope springs eternal!

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  216. I like this post. I think it’s very important for children and adults to have manners. Everyone here that is nitpicking these very straightforward and simple rules need to get a life. You’re welcome.

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    • I guess this list is lacking at least one rule: it is rude (and counterproductive and hypocritical) to tell others to “get a life”.

      This is exactly why developing a system of ethics trumps a list if p’s and q’s. Thanks for illustrating! 🙂

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  218. Good one!
    May I suggest this: if kid is in a classroom or assembly hall or in a family gathering and found the topic boring or is uninterested and wanted to yawn, pls cover your mouth and do it discreetly. Loud yawning with mouth wide open is considered rude.

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  219. I would add chew with your mouth closed … Agree with all the others , good manners go a long way and can mean the difference of getting a job, or new opportunity or not…

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  220. Another important one is “If an adult is using something that interests you, don’t ask ‘Can I have that?’ Enjoy the item and thank the adult for showing it to you.” I’m amazed how many children ask if I will give them something of mine they think is cool. We haven’t even entered the subject of etiquette when using cell phones, lap tops or tablets around others – a new & important area for “Manners 101.”

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  224. #21 really should be clarified. All adults should not be listened to, some should not even get any respect. So, it depends on the adult and the favor. Safety first.

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    • Excellent point. I certainly think home, school and relatives house’s would be the safest place to comply with an adult favor. A hard lesson to teach, who is safe and who isn’t.

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    • I had a concern with # 21 also. One of the tactics used by child abductors is to ask for a “favor” such as “help me find my lost puppy”, etc. Child molesters also ask for “favors” or for secrecy. Children should not think that they must obey ALL adults. Children may be told that when your parents or a family member ask you to do something for them, it is not okay to refuse unless you are being asked to do something you know you’re not supposed to do. They should be taught to NEVER do favors for strangers – better to be seen as disrespectful in an innocent situation than to risk their safety and young children may not always be able to differentiate between safe and unsafe adults.Children who are not automatically compliant are more likely to stay safe.

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  226. I don’t like the heading or the suggestion that every child MUST learn these by a specific age. My son is autistic and struggles enormously to get along in any situation where people expect him to act in any certain way. I could spend a huge amount of time and energy, my own and his, to teach him all of these things, but these expectations would add to his stress and, for him, would be an act, a pretence of being a certain way which he is not. Obviously I want him to remember that others around him are real people with needs, and to act positively towards them. I don’t want to set him a set of 25 phrases to learn which include things he doesn’t really feel.

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  230. This was a great post. Period. I read a few of the comments. In an effort to not sweat the small stuff, I will say to the comments that referenced: neglectful parents, a chore rather than a favor, adults being the example….please. Stop.
    1. As a teacher, you are the parent I hate to see coming and as a parent, it is your child I would never want any of mine to date. Simply put, a child is NOT an adult. Teach them to respect their elders and each other. If your child doesn’t respect you or others in authority, they will certainly never mean my child an ounce of good.
    2. A favor vs. a chore? Teach your child to pay if forward. Hello? Civil responsibility. The world does not revolve around him and it is SIMPLY good and right to help others.
    I was taught all 25, I live all 25 and teach my children the same. Period.
    Children who are not taught these simple basic manners, become the teens from hades. They feel entitled, are rude and are met with the cruel reality that kindness counts, and they’re not getting anywhere, simply because they were taught by mom and dad that “respect is earned” and they don’t have to give it. Not true. Respect is a reflection of SELF; your integrity. Either you have it or you don’t. It is not a born characteristic, it must be taught. Start teaching it.

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  231. I love that my 8 year old son replied, “Kids by the age of 4 should know these manners!” These rules are simple but make for wonderful children.

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  232. I too am an early childhood educator and these rules are about etiquette..not stifling creativity, curiosity and free expression. These rules aren’t about telling children not to complain or share with their family, they are about how you act in public. Personally, I believe Rule 6 is so hard for grown ups like me to swallow, because we complain in public more than children. I do believe children mimic their parents….if you want them to behave in a pleasing way…then parents should look to their own behavior. Personally, I am going to start trying to follow Rule 6 a little bit better myself.

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  233. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why people can’t read this list as it was intended. As a guideline for very basic manners. If we, as a society, do not see that children today seem to have a sense of entitlement and “all about me” attitude, then we are living under a rock. Of course kids can express when they dislike things, it about the proper time, place and WAY to do so that is the problem today. Kids do need to learn their place, so to say. Yes, they are people, but as adults it is our JOB to make them successful, productive, respectful citizens in society.

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  234. As a teacher I am very much aware of the lack of manners children have these days. I try very hard to teach and reinforce your suggestions every day. Thanks for bringing them to the attention of others although I have a feeling that the people reading your article already try to teach their children manners. The parents who won’t read it are the ones who should! Now…maybe a post about manners using technology? 🙂

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  235. I hate this “children are to be seen and not heard” stuff. My mom used to say that when I was a child. So, when adults are around, the child can’t talk to his/her own mother? That’s neglecting your child. Are they never supposed to interrupt or be part of a conversation? What about when daddy is around. You can neglect your children and ignore them in favor of adults, but I think children should be able to talk and have attention and needs met no matter who is around.

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    • I’d like to expand on the children being seen not heard thought.. It’s the principle of order that’s taught… Not neglecting your children…

      Teaching children to notice that a conversation is going on and waiting to start their own is the equivalent to teaching them to raise their hands in the classroom (also seen, not heard until spoken to) because 15 kids interrupting a lesson to ask a question before the teacher finishes their thought is plain chaotic and disruptive. If the principle is understood there will be less butting into conversations with their peers…. Also if more adults practice this it translates to listening to each other and results in fewer misunderstandings. Ever watch a debate and turn it off because the politicians are talking over each other and acting like kindergarteners and not following the officiators rules? Same principle…

      If taught early on to listen and wait your turn to speak as children, you become much more pleasant and tolarable as an adult with opinions.

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  236. My son is 15 and has travelled the world with us. Everywhere he goes he is welcomed and appreciated. I like to think it is because we taught him manners. Your list is brilliant but it is sad that in this day and age very few people seem to think that manners are important. I like to think that they are not so much a code of behaviour as much as saying “I respect myself and others around me and will try to make my surroundings better by being in them – how can I behave to make that happen?”
    When he was small yes it was a matter of training him to say the words but as he got older and realised what it meant he appreciated people being mannerly to him as well – as for adults with no manners – I always remember him holding the door open for an older woman when he was about 7 or 8 and as she sailed through without acknowledging him he said to me in a loud voice “her mummy mustn’t have taught her how to say thank you”
    Thanks so much for sharing your list

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    • Claire, your family’s experiences sound very much like mine. Although I didn’t travel the world as a child, I did starting as a teen (mostly for humanitarian purposes). My parents also taught me various “rules” of behavior, but as I got older, those ” you must say thank you’s” and the “always lend a helping hand’s” turned into my own moral code or values as a teen and now an adult. It’s more of an attitude thing for me. My parents weren’t just teaching me to say thank you, they were teaching me to be grateful and to recognize gratitude in others.

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  237. I would rather focus on developing core ethical principles than train my children to behave in this very specific, kind of rigid manner. I think it is more developmentally appropriate (I’m an early childhood educator). Please and thank you are wonderful to reinforce and encourage, but not stifling expression, creativity, and childhood curiosity.

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    • I agree. I think this list treats children like dogs that are to be trained instead of recognizing them as human beings. I think some people need to learn some manners toward their children. Not letting them speak in the presence of adults lest they interrupt someone is rude and neglectful of their parents.

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      • But if we allow our children not to show respect, which is what all these “rules” convey, we are woefully setting them up for failure. A student who constantly interrupts when a teacher is teaching, shows disrespect to other students (because they are used to getting what they want when they want) are the same people who do not respect authority later in life. As a mother and a teacher, I am blown away when I have conversations with my students about respecting others and those in authority. I pose the question, “how many of you would question a police officer if he/she asked you to leave an area and go indoors?” The majority of my students said they wouldn’t listen to the “cop” unless he/she told them why, and some said they wouldn’t listen even if they did explain why. The students reasoning for this was that no one has the right to tell them what to do. This is very scary to me. There are rules in society for a reason. All people need to follow rules and be respectful. How to children learn to become part of society? Adults need to teach and model appropriate behavior. I shudder to think there are people out there that equate teaching children to respect themselves and others with training dogs. But then again, who wants to be around a dog that is unpredictable and possibly vicious because their owners didn’t teach them acceptable behavior???

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      • To middle school teach: I agree about the importance of teaching children good manners – but setting it in the context of respect for others. Just have to say though, that as much as you are scared by the idea of children not immediately respecting authority, there can be real issues with teaching children that they should automatically obey all authority figures. This article has an interesting perspective: http://peacefulparent.com/pitfalls-obedience-training/

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    • Absolutely agree. Ethics first, manners second. How do we raise children to be responsible adults who are active in their communities to better things, if they are taught to pretend liking because it’s more polite? No one will speak up to change the injustice in the world when they have been taught to agree with everything. Honestly, it sounds like a set-up for a Stepford community to me.

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      • I don’t think anyone is advocating NOT teaching basic manners and respect. What I am saying is that we should teach children to question and to think critically, as well as help them develop a system of ethics that are founded on treating others with kindness, standing up for those who are bullied, etc. I am glad that children aren’t afraid of questioning authority. Authority figures shouldn’t be afraid to be questioned. Doctors, teachers (like myself), government officials, and the like should welcome questioning. I think some are confusing questioning with immorality or belligerence. It is not inherently a slippery slope. No one is saying teach children to be hooligans. It’s just that if you are going to applaud and abide by a list, maybe it should be a little more flexible and not so flawed.

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      • Exactly! We could keep adding very rigid, specific rules until we have a 10 pound book. OR we could teach children how to make wise decisions one day at a time, set by core principles. And then teach basic manners. The rest will follow.

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      • Actually I think it’s the other way around, we need the more concrete manners taught to the very small, simple directives that get more complicated inject with ethics and wise choice making as they grow.

        As I have stated above, I think some of the hard and fast “go along to get along” rules should be done with great care. Telling children the world is not interested in what they think is something i would NEVER tell my kids, at the same time I taught my children very young, that while you may not like something (a show, movie, book song etc) someone might like it very much and we should take care in sharing our feelings about such subjective things… they know it doesn’t feel good to them when someone discounts what they find wonderful.

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  238. These are amazing…. People are taking #6 too literally… Of course our children should feel comfortable in telling their parents their feelings but there is a time and a place.
    My number one with my children wasn’t on here….. How to address adults… Ma’am or sir or by proper title… Thank you ma’am (or Mrs. Jones) yes sir (or grandpa) I love titles …. It shows instant respect…. I will also say that we lived in the northeast for half of our childrens’ lives and half of their lives in the south. The south has been much easier to raise well mannered children because manners are everywhere not just in the home.

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  239. My kids forget to keep their elbows off the table. I use a rhyme I learned from my parents…”Mable, Mable, well and able, keep your elbows off the table.”

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  240. I myself have a blog (I have 20 readers!) and my last two posts were on nurturing, a key responsibility of parents. Parents have complete control to teach these manners if they decide to make it a priority. We do have busy lives but you can’t ignore the poor behavior of your children. I speak about a wonderful parental checklist by Dennis Trittin that may help.

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  241. I think these are great but very hard to read. Thank you for posting them and I hope they make the rounds for a more polite generation of young people.

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  242. LOVE THESE! We practice a new manor at my daycare every Monday. Kids are not born with the built in knowledge of Manors. THEY LEARN BY: education, demonstration, and repetition that comes from the people and environment that surround them. Whoever made this list did a great job at summing them up. Those who take offense to some of these need to look outside the box. Their not saying that your child should not tell you when their upset about something, they’re simply stating to encourage your child to always look at a situation with a glass 1/2 full instead of 1/2 empty. And the “Homosexual” getting brought up in this is just ridiculous. Not at all did that even cross my mind when reading through these. Some people just like to make a mountain out of a molehill to offset and create drama. This list is not at all pointing fingers they are general common sense RESPECT statements that should be taught in this world everyday. Especially with the way society is anymore!

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  243. Great list! Thank you for sharing! It reminds me of the list “Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten” It’s all about being polite, being pleasant and being respectful.

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  244. I started skimming about halfway through the comments, so hopefully I missed something. I think the actual ‘rules’ we should follow in life are more basic, and that many of these guidelines flow from them. Something like, try to understand and take care of the bodies and feelings of the people around you. I don’t agree with a few of the ideas presented on the graphic. However, I’m not wanting to argue any of those points, but just to say how sad I am to see so many people mention sharing these rules with kids, but in the comments I read there was no mention of holding ourselves and other adults accountable to be polite and caring, or to teach our children to do so by setting a good example.

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  245. these are absolutely great although I WOULD suggest saying “pardon me” rather than “excuse me”. It is far more polite, and excuse me can very easily be misinterpreted as sarcastic even when you have no intentions of being so.

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  246. I have a child in my home daycare who says “I don’t like this. I don’t like that.” ALL the time. He says it about every food served at meals although he eats it. He says it about games, toys, activities, literally EVERYTHING! It gets so old. I am trying to break him of it. But its not easy.

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    • Just curious…have you ever tried something like sharing with him the things you like about various things around your house/things he brings with him? Maybe if you overload him with positive comments, he’ll start using some of his own. OR you could instill a new “rule” in your home daycare where everyone has to share 2-3 things they like before they share so etching they dislike…may be worth a try.

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    • In our preschool, I will sometimes respond to the statement, “I don’t like” with, “Oh, that’s OK. You are welcome to just sit and watch us play (eat, sing, read).” Or, “Feel free to join us if you change your mind”. Pretty soon, they participate instead of being left out, which is no fun for them. I still validated their dislike, and then let them choose to include themselves or not.

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  247. I have to address the above comment by Paulette. Kids with Asperger’s are typically extremely intelligent and while they do lack the inherent ability to interpret social cues, they can be taught appropriate behavior. Asperger’s is not an excuse to let your child get away with inappropriate and offensive behavior. If your child is doing this, either you haven’t done your part as a parent or he is playing you like a violin. My own son has Asperger’s and is much more socially aware than the average teenager because he was taught from an early age what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

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  249. A inclusion of table manners would be nice. ie: chew with your mouth closed. Don’t talk with food in your mouth. Use the serving utensils to get your food, not your fingers or personal fork or spoon. Cell phones, computers, ipads, tablets, iPods and etc should never come to the table at meal time.

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    • Yes! No electronics at the table. I find so many adults that do this. The constant checking for an email or comment you might have missed, or just surfing the Internet while dining. So incredibly rude. My son, who is 13, will complain that he is bored. I have told him that being bored is not going to kill him and touse his imagination to entertain himself rather than a gadget. Talking and interaction is what dining together is about. I have also taught him that if he doesn’t like a meal I make, that he can politely say, “I don’t really care for this.” After watching friend’s children spit food out at the table (over the age of 3) or announce “This is gross!” I promised myself my child would never do that.

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  251. #6 – the spirit of the manner is attitude. It’s a recognition of the fact that everyone has an opinion, and few want to here other’s opinions unless asked. #21 teaches a child to help – and closely corresponds with #22. A favor is a request needed because someone needs help. It also teaches a child to think of others needs and will also teach the quid pro quo favor (since children will ask for favors as well) judiciously. Remember, all of the manners reported are lessons in raising good kids. The underlying themes of these rules are to promote respect for others and to get children to think about the world around them and not dwell on demanding respect for themselves. Courtesy, charm, attitude and graciousness will garner the respect that kids demand.

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  252. Having taught both junior and senior high as well as college students, I feel the list is perfect. Those who disagree with #6 are doing so from a parent’s perspective. Certainly, it is fine for your child to share such things with you; however, a student who bursts out with “Not that again!” or “I hate _________ activities” disrupts the classroom and shows disrespect for the instructor.

    Interestingly, our future daughter-in-law, who is Danish, was here and discussed the fact that Danes have NO word that conveys “please.” At the table, a Dane simply demands, “Give me the butter.” We talked about situations in which a “please” is quite necessary and how rude it is simply to demand another person do something. My future DIL has made an effort to remember adding “please” to her sentences. On the other hand, her culture emphasizes always thanking the person who makes the food with “Tak ver mel”–“thank you for the meal.” It would be nice to hear American children doing the same more often.

    Great post! Thank you.

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    • Theresa, thank you for your cultural sensitivity and sharing the story about your future daughter-in-law…that is so interesting about the “please” and “thank you”. My in-laws are Paraguayan and German and both cultures play into my husband’s family. Manners looks different in his family at certain times and it is important for me to remember that!

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    • I’ve found out that sometimes doing a favor for someone really is a chore because in that moment, I don’t want to do what they’re asking, or I simply may not care for that person very much. But, when we do favors when we don’t want to, we are demonstrating humility and are truly putting another person’s needs and wants above our own…when we act in such a way often enough, helping others (no matter our current state of mind) becomes a joy. We never know how is helping another person despite our desire NOT to will positively impact their life!

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    • I would think that is entirely your viewpoint. If my parents asked me to do something I didn’t want to do it would be called a chore. Because most likely they are asking me to do something responsible to “keep up after myself”.
      If a stranger or friend asks for a favor – that isn’t even close to the same thing. That’s saying “Hey I need your help with something”. And seriously – who WANTS to get up in the middle of the night to go pick your friend up from the bar because her ride disappeared? Or loan out $500 to help a friend make rent because she lost her job and is in the process of getting a new one. Nobody really WANTS to do these things. That’s why they are called FAVORS. Because we know that deep down someone really needs and would appreciate our help in that moment with that specific event.
      Leave chores to the parents to give to the kids to teach them responsibility and don’t confuse chores with helping others. They are not the same thing at all.

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  254. I think these are wonderful! My children are over nine and have thankfully mastered most of these tasks, still need occassional reminders about the napkin in the lap 🙂 I truely cannot imagine anyone having a problem with this list. Without being too rude I will only say perhaps they should take a look at their own manners. Manners are important and too few people have them these days.

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    • Amen! It is a good list the way it is. There are some gray areas when dealing with young children under 5 but for the most part all kids are savvy enough to be able to master these manners. Children reflect most of what they see on a daily basis, so parents and teachers need to lead, love and teach by example.

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  255. I would suggest to adid: to encourage a child to reply with “yes” instead of “yeah” when someone asks a question of them.

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    • I’m a little torn on that one – I teach preschool, and when a child will automatically announce how much they don’t like the snack someone has brought that day (or the book someone chooses for the group to be read to), it sets others up for not wanting to try it, based on Johnny’s unsolicited critique. Sally brought the snack, she’d be happy if all her friends tried it. I teach them to wait politely until they’ve been offered some, and then they may respond, “No thank you” if they don’t want it. I think the child who announces he doesn’t like it, is trying to protect him/herself from being “force fed” something that is truly distasteful to them, a fear for many children. We never force a child to try or eat anything. We also use the “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit” line, otherwise the 3 purple beanbags will all be spoken for quickly and those who got last pick will be upset. “Sometimes, we are lucky enough to get our favorite, and if you don’t get it this time, maybe you will next time”. I hope we are teaching optimism and gratitude with that one. If they choose not to play because they didn’t get their favorite, that’s their choice. I also use a “Question of the Day” where children are able to cast their vote and voice their opinion on a different topic every day. My goal is balance.

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  256. The idea behind good manners is for people to learn how to behave and get along according to societal norms — which vary from place-to-place. While I can agree that kindness, respect for everyone (not just adults), and compassion should transcend all boundaries as well as using phrases such as please and thank you to demonstrate the aforementioned, I do not think we can judge what is appropriate outside our own community. That being said, I do not agree that children should be required to keep their dislikes to themselves. I agree that everyone, not just children, should focus on the positive. I hope that is the author’s message. Children, especially middle school children, need to be able to speak openly and freely. They are at an age of discovering who they are and trying on new hats, and with that comes questions and opinions. This does not mean that they should be allowed to complain, whine, and moan constantly. This is not beneficial for anyone, but in my opinion, keeping their dislikes within their age group is counterproductive to their growth. Also, children should say thank you because they are considerate and grateful, not because they are looking for a future favor or to be liked. In connection with attending a performance or assembly, I think pretending to like it is dishonest. They do have to be quiet and attentive, but I do not think we should ever teach our children to lie about their feelings or anything else for that manner. We are robbing the performers of a valuable lesson, too, if we teach audience members to pretend to like something they do not.

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      • Though certainly not “offensive” I live in a country where “please” just doesn’t exist in the language. The closest word we have translates to “Do that”

        “Excuse me” is also borderline rude here, due to cultural differences. There are moments when its appropriate, but many times it is used in American culture, it would be considered quite rude here.

        Just a thought from a foreign friend.

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      • First, I want to acknowledge and respect the author’s intention in writing this. And without diminishing that respect, I would answer with a couple of things that could be offensive to certain communities that I’m aware of. #6 Could be read as telling bullied or abused children that you don’t want to hear their problems. It definitely takes away the child’s ability to set the boundaries that they need and deserve to set in order to feel safe. In a worst case scenario, the child might internalize the message of “keep your complaints to yourself” to such an extent that inappropriate behavior by other adults might not be reported. I’m sure that isn’t the author’s intent, but I think some other readers have noted the risk in #6.

        Next, as a mother of a child with a disability, I personally have a really terrible reaction to anything that starts with “All children should be able to do this by age ___” Really? Well my child can’t. She’s 23 and she still can’t. So, are you saying that I’m not a good mother, or that she’s not a good child? Or just not as good as yours? If the title were “Things that all people should learn if and when they are able to learn them” I’d be fine. But this kind of thinking doesn’t allow for a world where my child is considered a real person. So … not a fan.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I agree about pretending to like a performance not being the correct advice. I believe, as a theater teacher and director, that the advice should be to sit quietly and show RESPECT for the work being done, whether or not you like it. I would guess that was the intent of the original author.

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  257. We struggle with numbers 3 and 25 (and with the words “excuse me” in general) a lot at our house. I hate to keep harping at my kids (because the older two are 10 and 11 and should know better), but I hope that one day it will finally sink in and they’ll start doing it. Love this post! 🙂

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    • I am not a mom, but I see a lot of kids in my work and know a lot of adults… I think you should be confident that your reminders are doing their work… your kids may not thank you anytime soon, but they will definitely benefit.

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  258. Thank you for posting this. I’ve worked in the school system for 14 years and I’m a mother and step-mother. The age difference between my children and the step-children is 6 years and MAN WHAT A DIFFERENCE. I’m also reminded that “I’m not the mother” by both parents. Translation, children that have very few manners. The children in my 3 schools (I’m a counselor who travels) are not learning manners, perhaps their parents NEVER LEARNED them. So. Thank you again.

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  259. I totally believe in all 25 of these manner sand bring my children up with them. I have a two and six year old. I am also a kindergarten teacher and teach these manners. I believe a lot if children today are brought up with out these manners and it is terrible. Parents do not care and it’s disgusting! Thanks for sharing!!

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  260. I think many people might be missing the point on #6. I, too, agree that I would like to know what my child dislikes. HOWEVER, I don’t need to hear it from her (or anyone, for that matter) over and over again, in a rude or whiny type voice. Simply stating, “Mom, this chicken is not my favorite” would be enough. Children who whine and complain grow into teenagers and adults who do the same.

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  262. This is great, I could have written it myself! The only thing I would add is for number 8…”And listen to their response.” A lot of adults will reply by asking how that person’s day was, but not listen. So, it good for us to remind ourselves that we need to follow these rules too 🙂

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  263. I’m doing what I said not to! I didn’t realize my comment had posted so I did it again. So sorry. Please ignore one or the other.

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  264. #6 is tricky because it’s not so black and white. I have no problem with my kids expressing negative opinions to me as long as they can do so respectfully. However, if we are guests in someone’s home for dinner and they decide that they hate something that person is serving then, no, the whole table does not need their opinion. It’s all about teaching them when to share their thoughts and when to keep them to themselves.

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    • You said exactly what I was going to say. I think #6 applies more to general conversation and teaching, not to a dialogue between a parent and their child.

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    • Thank you, Rachel, You put my thoughts into words exactly. It’s not wrong, I feel, to tell someone if you don’t like something. The key is in doing it appropriately and respectfully. It’s also one thing to say so if asked and when talking with your parents, but not right to expect that the whole world needs to know it. I’m thinking of the kids who blurt out “That sucks!” or “Gross!” when asked a simple question. . or when not but just because they don’t care for something.

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    • Thank you Rachel, I do think many people are taking #6 out of context. I’m sure the author didn’t mean parents don’t need to know dislikes but the general population.

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  265. I also dislike #6. I need to know my son’s likes and dislikes. Everyone has things they dislike, even adults, especially adults, and they have no problems letting everyone know it. To raise a child right you must know your child well. As he grows teach him what to do and not to do. I feel that this list is better for older kids. Actually the one thing that covers all this is to teach your child respect for himself and others, and the best way to do that is to have it for yourself .
    One thing was left off however. Don’t always speak over other children to answer an adult at school or church. Let others have a chance if you’ve spoken up already. There is a little girl in my son’s children’s church that desperately needs to be taught that. Sadly, everyone thinks she so precocious, and she keeps the others from expressing themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  266. I too have a problem with #6. My son is 4, and right now I need to know his likes and his dislikes. Telling a child he can’t speak of things he doesn’t like is crazy. How does one get to know a child if he is forbidden to tell you those things. Also, the one about waiting until grownups are through talking to speak is a bit black and white. If your child has to wait to tell you he’s got to potty, the consequence of a so-called “important adult conversation” becomes pretty disastrous. I agree with the mom who posted that the whole list is somewhat disrespectful of kids. Some of these rules only apply to older kids after a few years of learning about interactions with others.
    There is one that’s missing, and that one should be, “Don’t always be the know-it-all with the answers.” Even if your kids are smart, and like to participate in class or church, teach them that you can talk too much even if adults are asking you questions. Let others have a turn.

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  267. I am a teacher – 2nd grade now, for 3 years, kindergarten for 16 years prior…I think most of those manners stated above are good to instill…I too, disagree with #6. Why wouldn’t a child be able to express their dislikes? That’s just a weird statement, IMO. Also, I’m not a big fan of the “excuse me” phrase, as I’ve heard it used and abused a gazillion times! More often than not, kids use it to interrupt, and it’s usually NOT for an emergency! I think attaching ” Excuse me, I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but…” Would be a little better, but, overall, I’m still not a fan of anything that interrupts anyone, unless of course it is a true emergency! Then of course interrupt any way you have to! Lol
    I also think #17 should say “I’m sorry” rather than excuse me. Or put the 2 together. I bet that the helping manners without grumbling were for kids being asked to help adults they know – not strangers. That’s just my hunch on those.
    Kids today, in general, my own included, need DAILY REMINDERS to use their manners – but that’s because they’re kids people!!! And it’s our job as the responsible adults in their lives to be those people reminding them about those manners so that, hopefully, when they grow up THEY will be responsible grown-ups reminding their kids of those same manners!
    One last thing…one of MY pet peeves? When you say thank you to some one and they say “YUP” – oh my gosh that drives me nuts! Say “you’re welcome” for Pete’s sake!!!
    Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for posting these! I’d like to copy this and send it home with all of my kids! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  268. When I read some of the comments, I feel like people are taking this out of context. The original post was written by a teacher and sent home to students’ parents regarding childrens’ behavior at school. I feel that all of these behavioral rules make for a more productive classroom setting.
    Yes, several are not appropriate when around strange adults and several are not recommended for parent/child interactions, but when in a classroom, the cafeteria, the gymnasium, etc. I think all of these apply well.
    I also believe that the teacher who wrote this was not referring to children with exceptionalities or disabilities, but rather the general student population.
    But, the bottom line is that, we, as adults, need to lead by example. If we want our children to behave with good manners, we have to show them with our own words and actions. 🙂

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  270. As a healthcare provider, It is very frustrating to be trying to discuss with the parent while the child keeps interjecting with all sorts of unrelated comments about his new toy or event, or playing a noisy electronic game while I’m taking a patient history, or just general goofing off while I’m trying to examine them. It’s unfortunate that many parents let the kids run the show nowadays. It will be harder for the children later in life when they suffer in school or the working world where “do whatever you want, whenever you want” and sense of entitlement doesn’t work, and they can’t understand why the world is so mean now. Manners benefit a child in the future, it is not to make regimented robots. I do see children with manners as well, and that is very uplifting. I would add to the list “clean your plate,” have a serving and then take a little more if you’re still hungry, and milk (whatever “milk” you use) is not just something to float cereal in. You finish, not dump the cereal milk down the sink. Parents likewise should not pile too much on the plate and expect the child to finish what is too much.

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  271. I think one very important one has been over looked, and that is when visiting someone or having visitors it is important to show good manners by greeting people even if you know them pretty well. If these are strangers you shake hands (if the child is too shy forget the hands) but say your name, and look at the person while doing so. It’s amazing how many kids don’t acknowldge you even walk right past you as if you were air!

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  275. My daughter andi just read this together and we had the same opinion. Reading this there are several pieces of good advice but she put it best when i asked he if she knew what i found to be wrong about this she said, “It talks like kids arent people.” This list speaks very disrespectfully of children. Dont interupt adults when they are talking? how about people. Several times this list presents as though adults deserve more respect than children. i feel this fosters disrespect. Also it reccommmends doing a favor for adults without grumbling becaus they ask. this is exactly opposing to the stranger danger lessons we give our kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  279. Pingback: Reflection Week 14: 25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9 « Jackie's Corner·

  280. I totally agree with Anna – and anyone else that has anything negative to say about this post…..you take yourselves and this post waaaay to seriously.

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  281. Pingback: Worst infographic on 25 manners for kids | Joyce's Chill-Out Spot·

  282. I have a child that has Aspergers who probably doesn’t do most of these because of his Autism. He has no filter so he is bluntly honest and says what he thinks. He cannot read social cues, He cannot read facial expressions, over steps his boundaries because he doesn’t understand what they are. Interrupts me because he has ocd about his interests. Has a lack of empathy unless its directly related to him or his family. The woman who wrote this is stupid and doesn’t realize 1 in 88 children have Autism. So if they appear rude it doesn’t mean it’s intentional. My son cannot give a compliment and probably never will.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paulette, although I do not have a child with Aspergers or other similar ASDs, I have had numerous students and a nephew that have been challenged with disorders and am familiar with some of the challenges that along with being an adult in these children’s lives. My intent on posting this list of manners was not to scorn courageous parents such you, but to repost an insightful article I found at the beginning of my teaching career.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Paulette, I think you are just looking for some kind of gratification from other posters on this site, or otherwise simply blowing off steam because you are frustrated. The woman who wrote this is certainly not stupid, she wrote it with the average kid in mind and was writing from her previous experience. You are being overly sensitive about your situation– just so you know, the world isn’t out to get you just because your kid is different. Anyone who knows anything about kids with Autism knows they aren’t/can’t expected to be bound by social norms and cues. This article is obviously about all the other kids that are. Stop being a drama queen and realize the world doesn’t revolve around you.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been reading up on Asperger’s a little because I have reason to believe I have it. I was interested to learn that girls’ and women’s symptoms often play out very differently than boys’ and men’s. My personal hypothesis about this is that in this culture, generally speaking, females are taught to defer to the needs of others, while males are taught that others should defer to them. Along with that general cultural package, males are not usually taught to read other people’s emotional cues or to respond to them appropriately. So most guys come off as a little bit Aspie, and then when they really are on the autism spectrum, it makes their symptoms so much worse.

      You are not doing your son a favor by expecting the world to cater to him. It’s bad enough that it won’t occur to most neurotypicals to make allowances for the ASD people in their lives. (Most of them won’t even realize they know some autistic people.) But at some point you won’t be there to run interference for your son anymore. Reading other people’s moods and cues is never going to come naturally to him, but if he can function with general tasks and he’s smart enough to learn, you can teach him to manage the most common social situations by rote response. You should at least try.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Obviously you were not taught manners. To call the author “stupid” because she did not create an alternative list for children with autism is horrid. Shame on you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree – and to Paulette Casey – your comment about this list not applying to kids with Autism is rubbish. It is absolutely possible to teach a child with Aspergers Syndrome how to respond in social situations. They may not fully understand why – and they may never feel outside themselves – but they can be taught social “rules” like any other rule or ritual they are so set on following. Aspergers kids are very smart. Certainly smart enough to wait until Mom is done talking to another grown up – that’s the “rule”. I think you are either overwhelmed and not willing to take the time to teach him – or you are just selling him short. Stop making the Autism your scapegoat. Rules for manners can be learned, just like rules for math and language skills, and rules for safety and shopping at the store, or rules for science or games or whatever he is interested in.

        Liked by 1 person

  284. I don’t know – I think curses are pretty hilarious when a kid slips up with them, nor do I find them boring or unpleasant in my adult life. But then again – I don’t think I’m the type of parent that this is aimed for, considering I would NEVER tell my kid they have to do “favors” for random adults. What on earth were these people thinking?!?

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    • I think this list was coming more from a place where if we teach our children to be respectful (especially to their elders…which btw, happens very little anymore) they will receive attention for all the right reasons.

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  285. I totally understand where this is coming from.
    I have grown ups now, they had beautiful manners…..before they went to school- (sort of joking, they still do) however something’s environments alter normal behaviour!!!
    For example being given extra home work because you called out ‘what the heck’ in the class room during a punch to the back of your head from the guy behind you; only to tell your truth and have it fall on deaf ears. No-one would expect their children to say ‘Thank you’ in this situation, but you’ve just told a nine year old when he receives something to say ‘thanks’ see where I’m going!
    Manners are mutual. If you or someone isn’t getting respect, I say look deeper.
    This is my soft spot! I have had too many first hand experiences with indifference to agree that it steams from lack of manners. It’s a fast paced society that has twisted values, like; you treat me one way – I’ll treat you another!!!
    It’s we who teach others how to treat us, We are the example!

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  286. I have a problem with #6. I value my kids’ opinions whether positive or negative. We need to assure them that they can confide in us any time. The lines of communication between parents and kids should always be open.

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    • I understand you value your child’s opinion but a friends parent shouldn’t have to care if your kid likes carrots, the polite thing is to eat them and say thank you.

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  290. thanks for enlightening us 🙂 keeping 4 kids through it all is kinda hard sometimes but these measures help them grow to be good followers of Jesus.

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  293. How about saying sorry when they’ve done something wrong? I think Thank you, Please, and I’m sorry are the most basic. 🙂

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    • How about “you’re welcome” after a sincere “thank you” instead of “no problem?”
      Call me old fashioned.

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      • I read a blog post, don’t recall where, but instead of ‘You’re welcome’, the poster suggested the phrase, ‘I know you’d do the same for others’. I like this option better than YW. Although both are superior to ‘No problem’.

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      • Different languages have different response phrases where many English speakers would normally say “you’re welcome.” For instance, the informal versions of “you’re welcome” in French and Spanish translate roughly as “it was nothing.” Take it for the friendly phrase it is. It has nothing to do with old-fashioned or modern. (And FYI, old-fashioned is not always better. I would horrify people if I said, “I want to own slaves. I guess I’m just old-fashioned.” I don’t really, but you get the idea.) It has a lot to do with what ethnic background the person has. Not everyone wants to pretend their family has always been English. Part of good manners is learning a little diplomacy instead of always being my-way-or-the-highway.

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  294. Number 3 is somewhat wrong
    We are your children, we have needs,we are still children who wants to get your attention, you can be considered as our “world” we should be able to get your attention, if not, you expect us to talk to you in the future if you did not talk to us?
    #5
    if I don’t learn from my own mistakes how can I learn? You expect me to learn by YOUR experience? That won’t work as much
    #6 so we should express our dislikes to our fellow age group therefore making us want to talk to them instead because if we talk to you about this things you will just punish or scold us therefor making the distance between us and the parents larger?
    #13 sane as #6, if we cant express our true selves to parents, how do you expect us to be close to them? badwords are just expressions used in this age group, they shouldnt be encourage, they should be discouraged but that doesnt mean you’re gonna punish or scold them everytime they let it slip
    14-15 especially in a general male society, this cannot be avoided since this is how males interact with each other, this is how men show “care” to each other withouth looking homosexual
    #22 So you have to suck up to the teacher, from my experience, this is a good advice

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    • I too have a problem with #6. I want my kids to confide in me. I want them to know they can tell me anything. I respect their opinion whether or not they are the same as mine. The lines of communication between parents and their kids should always be open. I know what I am talking about because I have raised four kids who are close to me. I am even close to their friends who also tell me their problems. I think kids should not be afraid to approach their parents about their problems.

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    • You’re missing the point. I’d like to call you a name, but that’s one of the items on the list. Your statement about 15 & 16 is just plain ignorant. Boys/men can express themselves in a positive manner without ‘looking homosexual’. What exactly does homosexual look like? Pleasent? Nice? Caring? Friendly? Hmph, if that’s the case, it’d be great if everyone was homosexual! As a straight man, I find your statement horribly offensive and homophobic. Grow up and come out of the closet…

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    • As quoted by SomeGuy: “Number 3 is somewhat wrong
      We are your children, we have needs,we are still children who wants to get your attention, you can be considered as our “world” we should be able to get your attention, if not, you expect us to talk to you in the future if you did not talk to us?
      #5
      if I don’t learn from my own mistakes how can I learn? You expect me to learn by YOUR experience? That won’t work as much
      #6 so we should express our dislikes to our fellow age group therefore making us want to talk to them instead because if we talk to you about this things you will just punish or scold us therefor making the distance between us and the parents larger?
      #13 sane as #6, if we cant express our true selves to parents, how do you expect us to be close to them? badwords are just expressions used in this age group, they shouldnt be encourage, they should be discouraged but that doesnt mean you’re gonna punish or scold them everytime they let it slip
      14-15 especially in a general male society, this cannot be avoided since this is how males interact with each other, this is how men show “care” to each other withouth looking homosexual
      #22 So you have to suck up to the teacher, from my experience, this is a good advice”

      My advice for you, SomeGuy:

      1. Do adults get to interrupt adults? No. Wait your turn. No age limit on that one.
      2. Do adults get to just randomly do whatever? No. As an adult if I have doubts about how appropriate something is I am about to do, I will ask advice from people who know better. Again. No age limit on that one.
      3. Do adults get to randomly bitch about everything? No. Not unless that want to be alone all the time. No one likes a whiner with a negative attitude at any age.
      4. Do adults get to drop the f-bomb in church? Funerals? Restaurants? Work? School? No. The point is, mind your manners. If you want to punk off and explore your potty mouth, do it where appropriate. As a child, it’s rarely in the company of adults. My 20 year old will swear around me in private conversation, but the second he swears at me, it’s game on. Consequences will follow. Such is the life of an adult. Has nothing to do with self expression or freedom. It has everything to do with respect for other people. All of them. Everywhere.
      5. The whole, meanness and calling people names being the only way for guys to show affection without being judged as a homosexual bit? Really? That is the most sophomoric, homophobic, juvenile thing I have ever heard. This is why you are a child in need of the advice of your elders. Please. Get over yourself and see #3. Consider this your “learning from your own mistake time.” Mistake made. Let’s see if the lesson is learned shall we?
      6. No one should have to “suck up” to anyone. Randomly helping people is a good thing. It makes you a better more thoughtful person and it makes the person you are helping appreciate your random kindness. Case in point: Old person in the parking lot trying to load a huge bag of dog food all by herself into the back of her car. There is no reason why a younger and stronger person can’t stop and help that person load that bag. You will make their day. This does not mean you have to help every stranger, especially if you feel uneasy about that person or at all unsafe. Common sense goes a long way when making a mature decision to be good to people.
      7. Go to your English class. You need to work on your grammar. I am so very proud of the correct use of the word “you’re;” however, you need to work on spelling and your addiction to compound words that are not meant to be compounded. I know a lot of adults with this same problem, so don’t think I’m picking on you because I am seriously irritated with your attitude. Just giving advice, so that you can argue your point better the next time.

      Now, before you go off on me, let it be known that I am a homeschooling mother of 4. I do not forget that I was once a child myself and I allow rough edges to show. I remember swearing like a drunken sailor with my friends, I remember spending my grocery money on beer as a teen. I remember driving too fast and making mistakes. I also remember always, and I mean ALWAYS having respect for my parents, even if I did not agree, or if the advice they gave was ignored, I was always respectful.I am very independant. I have a very unique personality that is all my own. I’m a recycle artist and self expression and freedom is very, very important to me. I am not perfect. I swear, I speak my mind, I trip and fall. My kids see this and know they will too, but the basics are there. Be appropriate, loving, helpful, friendly and kind. If you screw up, apologize. If you are forgiven, say thank you and move on. This same thing has been expressed to my kids and understood as fact. They are respectful and kind and appropriate when they need to be. I’m perfectly happy with that, as it’s what I would ask of any adult at any time.

      Liked by 1 person

  296. Pingback: https://staceyaltamirano.wordpress.com/2011/06/08/25-manners-every-kid-needs-by-age-9/ | singlemindedme·

  297. hi, there. can we see the wordings a little bigger? i have a hard time reading them and i hope a more readable font. thanks you and God bless.

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  300. Pingback: 25 Essential Manners for 9 and Above | Jeremy Chia·

    • Aaliyah: I was impressed by your post. Please hug your parents for me. They are doing a good job in showing you the correct path. Continue to grow and learn. You will make it as a strong adult in this hard world we live in. Respected and loved by many you meet. Good luck!

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  302. 16. If a play or an assembly is boring, go home. You may save some time of your life, with is unfortunately too short (and you will understand that at age 40).

    Another set of rules witch is nice to read and rather useless as a tool in education. If you’re saying to everyone ‘thank you’ when you get sth, then your child will look at you and do the same. It’s really simply and it’s working. If you are not saying ‘thank you’ why do you think you have power to push childs to do so? If your child is not saying ‘thank you’ look at yourself and change yours behavior.
    Sorry for my english. It’s not my native language.

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    • Sorry but it’s incredibly rude to walk out in the middle of a play. People going to the bathroom is one thing but up and leaving is something else. Especially if it’s a school play. If it’s a normal play in a theater and it bored you, the best way to prevent anyone else being bored is word of mouth after the fact.

      Children don’t usually have the option of walking out on an assembly. They are usually required to attend.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dru,
      Sometimes children are taken to an event as a school field trip or by a well meaning parent or grandparent. They can’t go home. Really! Nine year olds don’t drive. Squirming and complaining is inappropriate. Polite behavior is not. It is called self-discipline and respect.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I completely agree about being an example. When i became a nanny to a 21month old who was already talking she never said please and thank you, I would tell her to but she was always reluctant. I said please and thank you to her with everything and by the time she was 2.5 I would get complete strangers coming up to me at the park or wherever we were to tell me what a polite little girl I had. She didn’t understand the concept until someone exemplified it. Now with my son I have beenusing those words with him since birth. He is just now starting to be able to sign thank you but since he can’t even say mom I think we are on the right track.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Good for you EH – that is exactly how children learn best, is through example. Some people even expect or teach their children to do things they don’t do themselves. Sadly, very confusing for the child! And even if all they are doing is following your example without the ability to internalize “why”, they will eventually “get it”.

        Liked by 1 person

  303. While I agree with most of these, I don’t agree with #6 or #21. (And I do realize you didn’t write the article. (: )
    If kids are going to tell you something they don’t like, then they need to tell you why, without whining about it. But they should be allowed to say they don’t like something.
    Also, I would not want my children doing favors for other adults without my permission or supervision. If it is a teacher in a public setting, that is fine. But some random adult? No. In addition, you don’t always need to do something with a smile on your face. You can have no expression at all. But I do agree that eye-rolling, grumbling, and pouting is very annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree! I also thought that number 13 was a bit off as well. So a nine year old is okay to use bad words with their friends but not around other adults. If my (older) child had something to say and felt it necessary to use a “crude” word, I would actually prefer that they said it to me than to a stranger or another child.

      Liked by 1 person

    • #6 is alright. A child may speak about anything he or she dislikes if he or she is being asked about it. However, I think it is not polite for a child to interrupt when adults are talking and inject something negative into the discussion.

      Liked by 1 person

  304. I am so excited at the response that this list has received. I, unfortunately, cannot take credit for it. I found this in a random magazine at a last minute doctor’s appointment that I was considering skipping. Oh, how our lives work out, eh?
    I’ve been getting requests for adding more to this list and they are all great suggestions. Let’s keep positively motivating the children in our lives to act kindly and responsibly!

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  305. This is a great list. Glad to say my kids follow most of these rules most of the time. The onky one I have issue with is #6. I want to know what kids don’t like as well as what they do like. I think it shows consideration for thier feelings & opinions which is a good example for them to follow.

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  306. Thank you for the list. You left out some even more important ones.

    Eat with your mouth closed.

    Eat over your plate.

    Throw your garbage away.

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  307. I love this! I’d like to print it off but when I tried it prints your whole blog post including the header, side bar and everyone’s comments. the print is so small I can’t make out what it says, is there a way to print just the 2 pages big enough you can actually read them

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    • Right click on each “page” of the post and then choose “print picture” and you will have only the information in two pages of print.

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  308. Thank you. These are a great reminder that life does not revolve around me. My kids are realizing that being present with someone is a gift, and that being tied to an electronic device means you are not fully present.

    Liked by 1 person

  309. There should be something about use of technology in public on here, but other than that I’m printing this out and showing my kids!!! Lol! Thanks!!!!

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  311. These are great. I love #20! What a concept in today’s culture of pride and self-accomplishment. Teaching humility can really help kids grow in maturity and experience success in life. Thanks for posting these.
    Since you’re a mom, thought you might like this Mom’s Guide (http://www.1dental.com/moms-guide/). It’s not for manners but for oral health. Something I’ve had a lot of questions about over the last 4 years of being a parent. Now that I have a second kid, I’m hoping to do some things better this time around.

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